What to expect when you marry an engineer...

When you think of the Disney idea of "Prince Charming", you usually think of the excessively charming, dark-hair-coiffed, John Hamm-look-alike that rides up on his white horse and sweeps the voluptuous and sickingly beautiful princess off her feet before riding off into the sunset. What most women with the delusional mindset that the Disney idea of what falling in love is supposed to be like, and that their man should be perfect in every aspect, have it all wrong. Being the realistic person that I am, and from my own experience in the dating world, I knew that the guy that I would marry would be nowhere near this picturesque ideal, because that guy does not exist. Face it ladies, Prince Eric is only valid in The Little Mermaid, not in real life. However, I am a firm believer that there is a "someone" out there for everyone...For me, I knew my special "someone" would not only have to be intelligent and witty, but also have balls of steel and be just as (if not more) unique and different than myself. As said in one of my earlier posts, this concept was a hard one to grasp for my KA big brothers, but they had absolutely no clue what type of guy could keep up with me. Yes, I am a handful, not a shocker. My "someone" came in the completely wonderful package of being stupidly-nerdy cute, incredibly intelligent, highly witty, beyond sweet and caring, and a very successful software engineer.

I remember one incident clearly, and it still cracks me up when I think about it. When I was traveling for my old job as an admissions counselor, I was at a SUPER-slow fair in a fairly wealthy community outside of Austin. After a good 20 to 30 minutes of twiddling my thumbs and bullsh*ting with the other recruiters, two senior girls walked up my table and started asking questions about the school I worked for and what it's like to live in Dallas. I did my usually schpeel about the university, the DFW area, blah blah. They start asking even more questions, mainly pertaining to shopping, sororities, being a socialite, and all things materialistic and shallow. Then, of course, they spotted the big rock I sport on my left hand (pretty proud of it to this day, BAM!), and the beautiful Coach bag my hubby had gotten me for Christmas, and IMMEDIATELY asked if I met my husband at the school I working, I guess they thought I went to school there....I picked up what they were wanting to get at through this entire conversation like a dog picks up a steak that fell on the floor (M-R-S degree-seekers at their finest), so of course I humored them by telling them how we met, how Big Guy proposed, what he did for a living, what he was like, ect. ect. They were eating it up, then appeared confused, and I asked them why they were looking at me like I had three eyeballs. They asked "so what you're saying is...that the right type of guys are engineers and computer guys?" I smiled, and said that it worked for me. Which leads to my main point...For those who ask me about marriage, especially those who know Big Guy, the first question that comes up is "what is it like for such a social person such as yourself, being married to an engineer?" Let me tell you my friend, that is a loaded question...

Granted my engineer-liked-minded hubby is (next to my Daddy) the best man I have ever know. He's sweet, smart, devoted, faithful, hilarious, driven, and 100% supportive and understanding when I have my occasional fits of crazy, and he is all mine. He's my rock, and I don't know what I do without him, and he will tell you the same about me. However, he never fully elaborates on how much he needs me to keep him straight and a functioning member of society. Most of these are actually amusing minor annoyances...So ladies, if you would like an inside look into living with an engineer (or a like-minded), here you go:

• They can remember intricate passwords, complicated codes/formulas, and specific dates (which is a perk b/c they never forget your birthday and/or anniversary), but they cannot remember where they put things (keys, shoes, wedding ring, duct tape, batteries) or if they put on deodorant to save their lives
• If things are not out in the open and right in front of their nose, it's automatically "lost"
• They have specific idiosyncrasies about their living environment that will baffle even Jesus Christ in Heaven...for instance, the house could be so messy that it was deemed a disaster area by FEMA, but the bed will always be made, the kitchen will always be clean, and the DVD's MUST be in alphabetical order on the shelf at all times
• If they are not dealing with something else at a specific time (more like a matter of milliseconds), everything else is left behind...cabinet doors/dresser drawers are never shut, lights are never turned off once they leave a room, televisions/radios/laptops get the same treatment as lights, and occasionally you will find a door wide open after they have left
• You can always tell where they have been...there's usually piles of something (papers, books, pens, tissues, Triscuit boxes), and there is a trail of where they got up to replenish their supply (more tissues, beer cans, shoes, shirt, wrappers from who knows what)
• Nervous habits galore! They CANNOT stay still to save their lives...constant fidgeting, picking at something, tapping of a pen, twirling the wedding ring (ggggrrrrr), moving the magazines and coffee table books around with his feet till they fall off, and on and on...
• There is a process for absolutely everything, improvising is not an option
• Socializing with your fellow social-butterfly friends makes them nervous, approach and warm them up slowly

This is just a preview of what my life is like living with a engineer-like-mind. For instance, this morning I actually left for class before my early-riser hubby left for work. Definitely a mistake...I come home to the garage light still on, kitchen light on, cabinet doors open, cereal bowl on the counter, downstairs radio still going, living room light on, front door unlocked, bedroom lamp and vanity area lights still on, and the fan in the office on high(?). I am constantly getting the "Hey Honey, where's my *pause* oh wait never mind, I found it!", "Hey Honey, where did you put the (insert random item)? -I say where it is with no hesitation-I can't find it! *I walk in the room, find it in 2 seconds* Oh, why did you put it there??" Good lord...I have gotten to the point where shutting drawers/doors, turning off lights, throwing the trail in the trashcan, telling him where things are before he asks, ect. are all second nature and can be done in my sleep. I honestly don't know how he functioned without me for 25+ years before we met..I asked him one time if he married someone as organized and borderline OCD as myself just to keep him straight and human, he said that it was a perk. That and I could cook and had big boobs...*SIGH* my prince charming...but all in all, I figured that if these are the worst things that he does, that I can tolerate it. So for the ladies out there wanting to, or preparing to marry and engineer or like-minded of one, be prepared for the neuroses, idiosyncrasies, weird randomness, inability to find ANYTHING, on top of true devotion, a heart of gold, sharp mind, and balls of steel. I wouldn't have him any other way :)

The life of a student...what life??

Sincere apologies to my readers who have been hoping for a new post...like the title indicates, school has taken over my life lately. If I'm not in class, I'm eyeballs-deep in a book or at my laptop reviewing power points or typing up study guides. Sounds fun right? The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that this year is just a mean's to an end. On the positive side...I'm LOVING my psych classes! Just proves that I was in the wrong major the first time. I seriously come home talking about topics discussed in my Abnormal Psych and Behavioral Neuroscience lectures...drives Big Guy up the wall, but he's great at the "nod and smile" routine to humor me. He was, however, intrigued from what I  had to say when we talked about sex and hormones in my Neuroscience class. *wink* On the negative side...I HATE STATISTICS!!! I am praying for a "c", I'll just leave it at that. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I endure through this year of being an undergrad once again, I'm very very tired already!

Wiser, not older...get it right

"Back to schoooool, back to schooooool. To prove to UT Arlington/Louisiana Tech/St. Mary's/Clemson that I am not a fooooooool!" This was my Facebook status this past week on my first day of class as an undergrad...again...I have to say that that definitely made my top-5 list of weirdest/deja vu/surreal moments of my entire life. After finding a graduate program that is right up my alley, doing my research, figuring out admission standards, and that I would basically need a 2nd bachelors degree to qualify, I knew without a doubt that it would like going back in time by being an undergrad again. But to the extent? I had no clue...it was like someone took the present me out of the equation, pressed rewind on the rest of the world, and then plopped me back into a college classroom. I took a couple minutes to look around in each of my classes, observe the clothes they were wearing, and listen-in on some of the conversations going on around me. After working on the admissions side for close to four years, and being the old lady that has done the college thing once already, it took every ounce of me not to shout at the top of my lungs "Dude, you have NO IDEA what you are talking about! What proof and justification do you have, besides your own flighty and self-centered theories, that you make any type of relative point? To ANYTHING?? Yeah, talk to me in two years when your 'theories' still have you unemployed."

Don't get me wrong, I understand that individuality, expression, and self-discovery are all major components that go into each person's college experience. And you know what? I was probably super-opinionated at 20 years old, but I at least had respect for others around me and didn't talk out of my ass for the sake of hearing my own voice. Prime example: In the first day of my Child Development class, we were discussing historical views on raising children and how they varied through periods of history, such as Europe pre 1600 and so on. The topic of the discussion was the "original sin" theory of the Middle Ages in which parents believed that their children were "born bad" due to the radical religious belief that every one was was born with a demon inside them, and by strict discipline and constant religious reassurance, over time the demon would be cast out, and how it could relate to raising children today. Radical and ludicrous by today's standards of raising children, and also by more up-to-date forms of Christianity yes, but valid and understood by standards of such a primitive and religiously-centered time period. Then the kid behind me pipes up...and OMG was this kid the epitome of the depressed, rebellious college-kid that most likely grew up in a strict, higher-middle-class household and was still finding himself away from the grasp of his parents. (The psych-nerd-radar went bonkers in my head after I saw/heard this kid, hence where the theory came from...hey, you see it time and time again, consistency is usually correct) Dressed in all black (On a 107 degree August day?), wool beanie-cap, gloves with the fingers cut-off, skinny jeans, cardigan sweater (Dude did you steal that from your sister? Because I have one just like it), and a t-shirt that said "There is no God." (Uh huh, get some Prozac and counseling, then keep searching kid...I'll pray for you) He proceeds to go on a small, stuck-up tangent by saying "Well it was a religious time period, and that's what Christian believe anyway. Most religious households still stick to that theory, and children could live with stress by being over-disciplined and under constant scrutiny, which could in turn lead to aggressive behavior towards family members and other children." Every ounce of ability to keep my mouth shut was immediately thrown into that moment to NOT say "Wow, just because your childhood was strict and overbearing doesn't mean that EVERY Christian household works the same way. If you shut your mouth and opened your ears, you would realize that Christianity is about love, acceptance, service, and a life of happiness and good works for the good of yourself, your family, other Christians, and also non-Christians. It is NOT, however, about constant criticism and scrutiny to others who do not have the same exact views as you, that would be defeating the ENTIRE message and purpose of the religion. You unfortunately had a very skewed experience, but your resentment is incorrectly targeted, and it is not appreciated. How about you expand your horizons just a bit and not put every Christian household in the same category okay? You narrow-minded little prick. You just diagnosed yourself, go see a counselor and resolve your issues with your family and religion. You need it." Vomit...really??

In retrospect, it is truly amazing to see just how narrow-minded these "kids" really are in their college years...despite the fact that, ironically, they think they have a more liberal and open-minded viewpoint. Newsflash, not so much! It used to grate on my very last nerve when my dad, sister, anyone older than me would say "You don't know anything, just wait till you get out of college." But honestly, it could NOT be more true than where I sit today. Thanks Dad! The age-old expression of "If I knew then what I know now, I would be a lot better of" cannot be quoted unless you have been-there, done-that. Just two days back in the classroom have officially justified me being able to use that quote. After going through school and knowing just HOW hard it can be, having the realistic support system at home, dealing with professors, learning to really study, doing the party-scene, living life without a care, finding "myself" persay, going through relationships, being unemployed for months after graduation, finally finding a job, paying bills, getting my heart broken, finding true love, getting married, being a wife, counselor, borderline life-coach, my message to college students is that a.) you don't have it all figured out, and b.) talk less, listen more. You would be surprised what you learn, and the next time someone "wiser" than you gives you sound advice, take it. Believe it or not, they know what they're talking about. Pennies for your thoughts :)

Week #2 as an unemployed housewife...shoot me...

When I FINALLY left UTD, all I could think about was the roughly two and a half-week-long vacation I was potentially going to get before school starts...yeah, that lasted about three days before I started going stark-raving-mad being cooped up in the house...now I know (without a doubt) that I am NOT cut-out to be a housewife. Slowly...going...BANANAS!!! The job hunt has begun at FULL force! Right before I moved to Dallas, I swore and vowed to myself that I would never wait tables again. After close to four years of being basically a punching bag for higher education, waiting tables and starting out my greeting of "Hello, my name is Leanne and I will be taking care of you guys tonight" and earning easy cash doesn't sound so bad after all...

Dumb phone conversation, take #2...damn I'm glad I only have two days left!

As my time draws closer and closer to the end of my time as an admissions counselor, I find my "filter" wearing thinner and thinner by the day. Sadly, I have gotten to the point where I just quite frankly don't give a damn about anyone that is wrapped up in their own kind of stupid and own ideas of how things "should be" and thinks that my job is to wipe they're butt and tell them it's all going to be okay. Especially procrastinators! I'm not your momma, nor do I ever want to be, so put on your big-kid undies and deal with it. I steal an expression from someone unknown speaker with more wit than myself, "a lack of knowledge and preperation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." This is becoming obvious by things that are literally falling out of my mouth. Latest insults have consisted of the following: dumbass, twat-faced little prick (he knew he deserved it), "you are not a charity case, nor are you special, you just waited until the last minute", "Kid, you have a 1.6 GPA and are on probation from Texas A&M. My name is not Jesus, performing miracles is not part of my job description. You cannot and will not be admitted. Go to a community college, that is your ONLY option at this point", so on and so forth...

Most of my readers usually like these recollections of conversations, so I'm throwing yall a bone here. The premise is an "international" student who was recently kicked out of *insert certain private university located in Dallas* and couldn't understand why he couldn't "just come to our university." Dialouge is as follows:

• Me-Enrollment Services, this is Leanne. Can I help you sir?
• Student-*sounding like Apu from the Simpsons...no I do not want a slushee* Yes, I have questions about transfering to your university.
• Me-Okay no problem, I can certainly help you with that.
• Student-*hesitant* Uh, I need to speak with an 'official' admissions counselor. My situation is very specific. Is there a gentelman I can speak with?
• Me-*dramatically rolling my eyes and wanting to vomit...sexist pig* Actually sir, I am an 'official' admissions counselor, and the rest of our staff is currently in training sessions for the rest of the day and every day this week. This includes my supervisor, Mr. Sanchez. So no one else is available but myself. I can assist you or you will have to call back next week.
• Student-*hesistant, again*-Okay, I 'guess' I can talk to you...I am interesting in transfering to your university for Computer Science. I am currently at *insert certain private university located in Dallas*, but was recently academically suspended due to some family problems and an assault warrant. I want to come to your university in the fall to finish my degree.
• Me-Well sir, that is going to be difficult for you. Any state university in Texas, by law, cannot admit students who are currently on any type of probation or suspension. If you are wanting to transfer here, you will need to either get back in good standing with your current institution, or attend a community college first. Plus the application deadline had passed anyway, and at this point there is no guarantee we could make an admission decision in time. Also, most classes are already full. Either way, we cannot, by law, admit you.
• Student-*getting irritated* Well I just don't understand that. Is there just a fee I can pay to bypass the policy? Why would I have to fill out an application? Do I have to turn in a current transcript for the admission process. When (again, he said "when") I'm admitted can I just ask the professor for permission to be in the class? Quite frankly I don't see why you can't just let me in since I am a student at (in a snobbish manner) *insert certain private university located in Dallas* Your university is second rate to mine, so based on that alone I should just be able to take classes.
• Me-*gritting my teeth and trying not to reach through the phone to choke the guy*-The reason why every new student has to fill out an application is because it is a.) mandatory, and b.) the state and university, again by law, needs an official record of every student that is admitted and takes classes at the university. Professors cannot hold spots in their classes, this is university policy. Once it's full, it's full. And yes, you would be required to submit both an application AND an official transcript for the admissions process. If you don't, we can't make a decision without it. Plus, witholding certain academic information is considered academic fraud, which a felony, and could potentially cause the university to lose it's accredidation. Therefore, literally thousands upon thousands of students degrees, including my husband's, would then be null, void, and useless. Also, our university is NOT second rate, as you so eloquently put it. It was actually founded by one of the top, multi-billion dollar technical companies in the entire world. We still have extremely close ties with that company, which offers us millions of dollars in research grants and funds. YOUR university, however, does not receive such types of grants and fundings. Our engineering and computer science graduates on average start out with yearly salaries of 60-70 thousand a year. And quite frankly sir, it doesn't matter if a student is coming from a community college or MIT, poor academic standing is poor academic standing, that's it. Again, because you are on suspension from your most recent institution, our university, much any other state university in Texas, absolutely cannot admit you. And a word of advice, it isn't a good idea to refer to a university in which you are trying to admitted to as second rate, especially to an admissions official.
• Student-That is ludicrous (oooooo, BIG words!). I just understand WHY you can't make an exception for me? Is there any way I can appeal this and fight for myself?
• Me-Sir, state policy is state policy. I could lose my job over making an exception just for you (like I care, I have two days left, but he didn't know that), and as said before, the university could potentially lose it's accrediation, funding, and cause many students degrees to be null and void. Honestly, no one in their right mind is going to take on the state of Texas and its' policies on their own. It's set in stone and their for a reason. We are just not going to accept students with sub-par academic history, especially if they have been kicked out of school. Hypothetically if we were to make one exception, we would have to make exceptions for everyone. And plus we are not a private university, nor a community college. Admission standards and policies are concrete, we can't make case-by-case decisions. You could try another private university  or a local community college to see if they will  make an exception, but we can't because our standards and expecations are much higher than sub-par.
• Student-*long pause* Well...thanks for nothing I guess...
• Me-*smug and smiling* You're certainly welcome! Have a great day!

It's a miracle I haven't been featured on "Snapped" yet...cheers to going back to school! :)

First official rant...bad wife and a gold-digger? You talkin' to me &*#$?!

This post is just more about me both defending myself, my husband, clearing the air, and defusing any ugly rumors or comments to people who just quite frankly have nothing better to do with themselves than talk crap about others out of spite and jealousy...

In all sense of disclosure, I generally (as yall have probably determined) that I usually don't give a damn what people think about me. I've been accused of everything under the sun (just about), been called every derogatory word in the dictionary (Webster's and Urban), and also had a few pour souls that have tried to walk all over me....who in turn, immediately regretted it. Vast majority of the time, I usually just laugh it off and let it all just roll off the duck's back because it's usually so ridiculous and not even worth the stress or effort...and they're left embarrassed, looking like a complete asshole, and attempting to clean the toe-jam out of their mouth after they've taken their foot out. Also, I can take a joke and being given a hard time, as long as it's all in good fun. Hell, I'll even play along and fire right back! However, there are some instances that are just plain rude, inexcusable, and not cool to joke about, and I will NOT tolerate it. The next person who calls me a "bad wife" and or a "gold-digger" in poor taste will get a piece of my mind and the star of Texas/Stephen F. Austin State University permanently imprinted on their face from my fierce right-hook. I know who I am, and I married for love and all the right reasons, NOT for money.Yes I am going back to school full-time to work on a post-bac degree in the fall, yes I am still planning on going to grad school afterwards, no I am not working full-time while going back to school, yes my husband is supporting me, yes he is successful and does well for himself, no I certainly did not marry him for his money (it's a pretty standard salary in the IT industry), no I am not in a hurry to pump out babies "just because", yes he can go out with his friends wherever he damn wells pleases pretty much any time he wants, no I am NOT a bad wife for "letting him" do what he wants, and yes you can kiss my ass. Loving, supportive husband that only wants me to be happy and do what's best for me, which in turn is best for us and when we start a family? Well, shouldn't I just be condemned to hell?! Please...give me a break, just so I can think of a proper insult for such ignorant people.

For anyone with a bachelors degree of the liberal arts nature, it's pretty well-known that you need at least a master's degree to move up/get promoted in anything that you do. Otherwise, unless you're a teacher, your professional options are slim outside of sales and being an admissions counselor (which I don't recommend for more than a year or two). Big Guy's degree is in Computer Science, he is an Adobe certified software developer for a Fortune 500 company, fantastic at what he does, and can move up fairly easily in his industry with just a bachelors degree since it is more specialized. With a BA in Psychology? What can you do? Unfortunately, I know too many college graduates that are still servers and bartenders...Sadly, I am one of those college grads with a liberal arts degree and (as of right now) stuck in the same profession with no room for opportunity. Yes I am perfectly aware that there are plenty of people out there that work full-time while going back to school, but you know what? It takes them a million years to finish a graduate degree that traditionally only takes about two to complete. During that time, they wear themselves almost to the breaking point because they are spreading themselves so thin. Possible? Yes...Ideal and time-efficient? Not at all. Now, am I personally bashing those working students? Absolutely not! My parents were both working students while sister and I were growing up, and hey, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and make the best of your situation. Really, kudos to them for spreading their time and energy to do so, especially those with families, and if I absolutely had to do the same, I would do the same. On the other-hand, I was constantly reminded what a financial and emotional burden it can be while trying to juggle a job, school, AND a family. So you know what? I am going do myself, my husband, and my future-children a beneficial favor. I am going to do something (apparently) unheard of, and go back to school full-time to finish graduate school before starting a family. And you know what else Tonto?! THERE ISN'T A DAMN THING WRONG WITH THAT!!! There, I said it! Students from all over the world, at all schools, do it ALL the time, every day, and life goes on. So to those that are bashing me for doing things in the sensible order, and taking advantage of the prime opportunity my Lord has blessed me with? Get over yourselves, seriously. It doesn't make me any less of a hard-working student if I am going full-time, so you can take that self-righteous attitude and shove it.

When Brian and I met/dated/got married, quite frankly with his specializations, certifications, talents, and experience, he wasn't making nearly as much as he should have been. But of course, with the still-recovering economy and the stiff job-market, he was doing the best he could at the time. We were on a tight budget yes, but we were still plenty-able to pay our bills and have a little at the end to blow (hence how I got such a bad-ass engagement ring). And by NO means do we live a life of luxury with a mansion in Highland Park and drive Mercedes and BMW's! We live in a 3-bedroom house in Richardson, I drive a Nissan, hubs drives a Honda, and we drink $7 wine. We both knew that we would eventually seek graduate degrees, especially before having children, because it would be a necessity as we both got older and wanted to potentially move up the ladder in our careers. Yes a career is important to me, so hide your East Texas urges to tell me that I should be ashamed for not starting a family right away. In retrospective, we both knew that it would probably be me first, and we both worried just how it could be reasonably done. Not long after that, Big-Guy put his resume out on a couple sites, received calls that afternoon and the next day, had scheduled interviews by the next week, and was offered his current job about two weeks later. God definitely blessed us with his new job, because financially the pay-raise he received pretty-much evened the financial scale of what it would have been with both of our salaries...yes, I make THAT little working for the glorious state of Texas...it was one of those moments where you count your blessings, don't question, and start making plans. I plan on pursuing a masters degree in Industrial/Organization Psychology, which is one of the top, prime, and most hire-able professions right now and in the foreseeable future. It ranks up their with actuarial science and telecommunications engineering. So yeah, I'm doing right by myself, Big-Guy and our future-family. From a financial stand-point, and the all-time important "starting a family" stand-point, it made more sense for me to go back to school first. With the still-recovering economy, and the fact that I have years of real-world-work experience after my first bachelors degree, it makes the most sense for me to finish ASAP, start working, and pay off a big chunk of my loans before popping out little blue-eyed, brunette, half-breed Germans. *wink*

The "gold-digger" accusation doesn't infuriate me NEARLY as much as someone calling me anything remotely close to a bad wife. Just as I know what I am, I know what I am not, and I am not a bad wife. Never, ever, EVER make that reference to my face, much less behind my back. I love my husband, yes he gets honey-do lists, yes I put him to work sometimes, but he is also a grown man and I respect him and his interests outside of our marriage. To all these crazy wives that don't let their hubbies leave the house without them, call/text every ten minutes, order them around, send their best-men emails about "your" preferences for the bachelor party, treat them like little kids, regulate their social life, force them to run errands and go shopping with you, whine/bitch/moan/cry/guilt-trip when they want to have a guy's night or get away from your plate of bat-sh*t crazy, and just flat-out treat them like crap and make them do things they would rather not do, refer yourself to the "mental health" section of the yellow pages, because you need a therapist to discuss your spreadsheet-list of issues in yourself and your relationship views.Your are not his mother, he is not a little boy, accept that now. He is a grown man, an individual, and needs his personal space. Now that doesn't mean he doesn't unconditionally love and care for you, he just needs time to be a guy, just like you need time to be a chick. Remember the tips in the last post? Yeah, guys are pack-like in nature, due to testosterone-driven need for acceptance and dominance among other like-minded males. The fact that I respect that individuality and need for time away (because I sure as hell need it too), and don't order my husband around like a unruly child, does NOT make me a bad wife! In fact, he respects me MORE for showing him said respect, and it's a mutually understood concept. I do my things with my girl-friends every once in a while, he does the same with his guy-friends every once in a while. Sometimes I just need to go shopping for a couple hours, sometimes he just needs to get out of the house and go to the local bar to watch the Cowboys/Rangers. Does that make us weird, abnormal, and unhappy? NO! We are still madly in love, I still clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, feed the dog, keep up the house and finances, and keep my man COMPLETELY satisfied, all while holding a full-time job and social life. Just like me-he works full-time, does all the yard-work and occasional small handy-work, takes charge as king of the grill, takes care of the mortgage, remembers important dates, all while making time for his friends and treating me right. *wink* He knows where his bread is buttered, the un-ending trust is 100% mutual, he's smarter than the average bear, and definitely knows his limitations as a respectful married man. He comes home at a reasonable hour, doesn't blow all his money on frivolous crap, brushes off other women, speaks highly of me, never does anything to question my trust and respect for him, and describes me as quote-unquote a "cool wife." The literal sense of being his "ball and chain" is not appealing to the good guys out there...so sue me that we have a healthy marriage and I don't feel the need to chain him down. I am a damn good wife, my man is happy, I am happy, and who is anyone else to judge what they know nothing about but wish they had? Pennies for your thoughts...

Unsuccessful interaction with a public service worker...

This is actually a previous Facebook note that I posted a couple months ago, but since not all my readers are FB friends, I figured I would share this humorous event. (if I don't know you or haven't met you in real life, you are not going to get a friend-acceptance from me, sorry, it's nothing personal, I just don't like potential FB creepers and stalkers...no offense) In my own defense, I will go ahead and say that this guy totally brought it upon himself. I am usually a very nice person, and will willingly go out of my way to be nice/helpful/easy to work with along as the other person is reciprocating the same courtesy, but I am firm believer in karma and you will get what is coming to you. Working in the restaurant industry for 7+ years in high school and college, along with about 4 years working as an admissions counselor, have given me the equivalent of alligator thick-skin and the highest bullsh*t tolerance level a person such as myself is capable of having. And I really do understand that jobs in the service industry can suck big, fat donkey balls on a regular basis...but you know what Tonto? It's your job, grow up, suck it up, deal with it, smile, and get paid. Your life is not the next Columbine or 9/11 tragedy. I'm just thankful that they have a job and I'm not paying for their welfare and Lone Star card while sporting brand-new Jordan high-tops. (that one's for YOU, Chad Wylie!)

Sister is getting married in Jamaica in a few weeks, and it just dawned on me a couple months ago that I needed to update my passport and get the last name changed. YES I am aware that you have 90 days after a name change to send it in and get it changed for free, NO I did not think about it till recently, but I got it done okay?? Now, please keep in mind the events that had been ensuing not only that week, but that same day: I found out that a college-friend of mine was tragically killed in a car accident (RIP Alex "Trainwreck" Barfield, you are truly missed sweetheart) and was an emotional mess because of it, my phone kept blowing up the entire day with Facebook notifcations/messages/texts/emails/phone calls/voicemails, in the mean time every student/parent I had been talking to that week/day just seemed to be all up in some weird and bat-sh*t crazy (no I cannot create a nursing program for you, we just don't have it, get over yourself), I was trying to seperate my emotions from my workday (which was just virtually impossible and a stressful feat in itself), I was super-stressed about getting my passport processed and sent back in time for Jamaica so sister wouldn't murder me, and on top of everything, I was PMS-ing like a mad-banchee woman. Definitely a recipe for potential disaster, especially with me...all that festered frustration eventually led to an ugly incident involving a public service worker...but he totally deserved it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just snap, and your usual alligator-thick skin can only take so much before it cuts and bleeds? Oh yeah...that day was was my day...the culprit? We shall call him "Dante'" (the name on his name tag started with a 'D' and was crazy-long) from the Richardson post office...he looked a lot like the "hide yo kids, hide yo wife" guy from the "they rapin' errbody up in hur" youtube.com video. Same jacked up teeth, same rubber-neckin' way of communicating, and same awful grammar...*shudder* Nothing pains my ears and irks me more than terrible grammer...anyhoo, after weeks of calling various offices, being told completely different things about forms/identification, "yes we need your office marriage certificate", "no we just need a copy of your drivers license w/the new last name", "no we require a blood sample and your first born child, along with a $110 processing fee", I finally got a hold of an official person in the U.S. Passport Authority Office, found out exactly which documentation and forms I would need to submit, called the local post office to a.) convince that what the USPAO told me was next to the word of God, and b.) schedule an appointment, I told them I would be in the next afternoon to get everything taken care of becuase it was urgent. After gathering all the required documentation, as well as half-jokingly saying to the nice passport man that I would hunt someone down if my marriage license was lost (yall have absolutely NO idea what big guy and I went through to get that stupid official document), he took my picture for no cost (definitely made my list of top favorite people for the day), signed off on everything, and pointed me to what seemed to be the equivalent of a line at Six Flags for the Texas Giant the first week of summer break. Thank you US Postal Service for your attention to quick customer service...NOT!!! After waiting in line for what seemed to be an eternity behind a weird lady that smelled really bad (seriously, at least a half hour), I FINALLY got to the front desk. Events that ensued are as follows:

Dante': (with a scowl and no eye-contact) May I hep ya may'um?
Me: (Sad, irritated, defeated, impatient, but genuinely trying to be nice): Yes thank you, I need a large Priority Mailing Envelope and a money orde--Dante': (abruptly cuts me off) WE DON HAVE NO MONEY ORDUHS MAY'UM!!
Me: (caught off guard, miffed, and falling out of my mouth before I could think) What do you mean *mockingly* YOU DON' HAVE NO MONEY ORDUHS? Is this physical address of the Richardson US Post Office completely void of money orders? Or is it yourself personally that is out of money orders? *theoretically kicking myself, saying 'damnit Leanne' and attempting to take the hypothetical foot out of my mouth*
Dante': (gapping stare, with a 'This b*atch done mocked me!' look on his face) May'um yous gon hafta get back in da line and wait fer ma co-workuh to getchu a money orduh. *points to the other desk, where a STACK of paper money order slips are in plain sight*
Me: There is a full stack of money orders right there *pointing to said stack of money orders in plain sight*, you can't just grab one for me and fill it out here?
Dante: Yous gon hafta get back in line n wait yo turan MA'YUM!
Me:  *getting irritated quickly* You didn't answer my question, SIR!
Dante': *looking at the money order slips, back at me, eye roll, and then attempting to ignore me*
Me: (as my dad says, "done had it at this point" and screaming) HEY! I'm talking to you! WHY do I have to get back in line to wait for a money order when you can walk a whole 3-4 steps to your co-worker's desk and physically pick one up?? I can see that they are in plain sight and don't require a PhD to fill out Bucko!
Dante': May'um yous annoyin me, and fo a white lady I don unnustand whys you jus can't follow derexsons!
Me: (livid, more yelling, and thoroughly annoyed by his awful grammar) What in the hell does me being white have to do with the price of tea in friggin (I like that word) China?! Look asshole, I understand that you think you have the crappiest job in the world but that doesn't mean you can be the world's biggest jerkoff to whomever you damn well please because of it. Get a grammar book and some worth ethic YA BUM!
Dante': Uh....uh....
Me: Yeah, and I hope your rude lazy ass gets an infected paper cut too! *stormed out with a couple whoops, claps and 'YEAH you said it(s)!' from the other poor souls in line*

I'm really not a mean person, honestly, but when driven to the edge of an already emtionally vulnerable day...its not pretty...funny thing was, I didn't realize that I still had the Priority Mailing envelope in my hand and hadn't paid for it until I got back in my car and calmed down. Oops! Apparently no one noticed either...Oh well, I saved $6! Small victories right? IN YO FACE DANTE'! How you like them apples??!

Weddings and marriage...yeah, I'm going there

Yet another couple of facts to reveal about myself...

My name is Leanne, I have been engaged three times, and I am a professional bridesmaid. *(everyone in droll unison says) HI LEANNE* I will give you a moment to let out that stifled laugh because I know for a fact that you find these facts both sad and humorous....and you know what? I'm cool with that! But I will go ahead and clear the air with the three engagements part: 1st engagement was to Chris, sweet guy, met him while I was working at Texas Roadhouse, he was six years older than me, lived in Ohio, strict Catholic, wanted me to be a housewife, I was young and stupid, but I wised

up and ended it before the actual planning really got started. Too much potential for disaster there...engagement #2 was to John, AKA the jackhole I went into some detail about in my previous posts. Liar, cheater, completely self-absorbed, control-freak, borderline emotionally abusive, momma's boy, and overall just a complete asshole. He actually dumped me, claiming that he wasn't in love with me anymore (magically after one afternoon of golf) and wasn't ready to get married/settle down, but low and behold he married his lab partner about a year later and they now have a beautiful baby boy. And another thing...his sister was a diamond dealer, and quite frankly my ring was tiny and crap...dude, really? Kiss my ass cheapskate...And finally as the saying goes, 3rd times the charm, #3 was to my wonderfully intelligent goober of a soul-mate Brian. Two disasters and by far the biggest rock ever later, I finally got it right! (Big guy knows me all too well, he's good *wink*) If anything, I can say that I learned exactly what does NOT make the good workings of a healthy relationship.

And sadly, yes I am a self-proclaimed professional bridesmaid. I was in six weddings before I was actually a bride (the expression 'always a bridesmaid and never a bride' was usually brought up...hardy har friggin har blue-haired old ladies...), my sisters up-coming wedding with be #7 (#2 for her), and my good friend Jenny's will be # 8. So on the positive side, it is nowhere near Katherine Heigel in "27 Dresses" professional, but still, it's not exactly a few either. Part of the reason I was asked to be a bridesmaid so many times is that I picked up a lot of knowledge and info from helping my sister in her wedding-planning days, so I usually tried to be a good source when it came to flowers, decor, dresses, venues, ect. Only 1 or 2 of the weddings I was like "Really? You're asking me?", the rest I was truly honored. Others, I was the voice of reason for the raging Bridezilla...well, somewhat...sister's first wedding? Damn...she would have won the award! Imagine a half-makeuped, towel stuck in the front of a big ballgown dress, red-faced, tears streaming down, screaming/cursing at the florist over a flower arrangement, and in front of the church pastor and youth minister no less, being grabbed by the arm(s) by my mother and grandmother and thrown into the nearest bathroom to calm her down. It was so bad that I had to go to the (Baptist church) parking lot, in the middle of the Texas summer, dressed in my dress/heels, find my hidden bottle of Jim Beam in the trunk of my car, take a couple swigs, and crank up the radio for a few minutes just to deal with the psychoness. That should have been her first indication, but I supported her the whole way...thankfully Scott is a great guy, can talk sense into my sister (which is a feat in itself sometimes), and this wedding is going to be MUCH easier on her! (I'm tellin you, destination wedding is THE WAY to go!) Luckily most of the dresses were on the prettier side than not...minus one infamous dress for my cousin's wedding. Sorry Brittany, I love you to pieces, but after 5+ years I can now say that the dress was awful!! You know how for any girl that has ever been a bridesmaid, they have at least 'that one' dress that still gives you nightmares? This was definitely it...pepto-bismal pink (on a dark-skinned/eyed brunette? Really?!), A-line, taffetta/chiffon overlay, with stacked chiffon ruffles starting from the wait and going all the way down the skirt. It looked like an old-lady lampshade...and literally lit up like one. Other cousin Lisa bought light-up shoes as a "joke", and once the lights were turned off, the whole skirt of that dress lit up like a reading light at midnight. And what made it worse, the jewelry was over-sized pastel-pink pearl earrings/necklace/bracelet.  I will flat-out say that I am NOT a fan of pink! It's cute and perfectly acceptable on little baby girls, fair-skinned/light-haired folks, the occassional trendy/metro or gay guy, and for Mary Kay cosmetics, but that's where I draw the line! You will not find one pink item in this brunette's wardrobe, you can count on that. *SIGH* The things you do for family and friends you love...

Speaking of the family and friends you love so dearly, sometimes you just have to say exactly what's on your mind just so people will just leave you the hell alone. Granted I love my saint of a grandmother on Daddy's side to the ends of the earth, but to say that she was upset when I told her we weren't getting married in the Baptist church in my podunk hometown is the understatement of the century. And for an obvious disclaimer, and to put aside any rumors, we weren't deliberately trying to piss off everyone, or quote-unquote 'discriminate' again East Texas folks, there were just no venues that a.) would be convenient and affordable, b.) would allow booze, and c.) wouldn't be a complete redneck-trashy hole in the wall. Plus the groom's side would be driving from the San Antonio area...which was a whole other drawer of crooked forks...NO. THANK. YOU...it really got out of control when both sides seemed to be planning our wedding without our consent and/or input. For example, this is the conversation I had with my mother: "Okay then, I'll call the church to book the sanctuary and fellowship hall, Jena can do the flowers, we can go look for dresses at CW Boutique, and we can do BBQ for the catering, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...." Oh, and my mother in law, geez..."You guys are going to get married in Fredericksburg right? Have you scheduled any marriage counseling with a priest? I'll look into the fairgrounds and catering at Ye Kendal Inn, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...." AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! After checking

prices on venues in DFW (only because that was the last compromise I could think of at the time), and being pulled in so many directions on both sides of the family with "expectations" if you will, Brian and I finally had enough. We were doing honeymoon research, and found out that if you stay so many nights in a certain category room, Sandals resorts basically throw in a wedding for free. We said screw it, booked it, just our families came (despite the objections) and it was anything and everything we ever could have dreamed of and more. Big guy's parents were more hesitant at first than mine (their reaction was 'Hell yeah! When do we fly out??'), but they were instantly won over once the hostess handed them a glass of champagne upon arrival to the resort. Plus it was 85 degrees every single day we were there, and in the middle of January no less! It was perfect, and you know what? Everyone got over it! *wink*

First comes love, then comes marriage...right?? Oh marriage...oh the wedding...the amount of stress, time, and especially money that goes into weddings these days is just beyond ridiculous. Being the realistic person that I am, my main thought is "THAT much money and effort?? For ONE DAY??!! What in the HELL are these people thinking???!!!!" I always think back to a quote from the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when I hear the actual price tag on weddings: "DAD?! You would rather go broke than insult anyone from the church??!" And what's sad is that has become such a true staple in the wedding planning process...people will literally spend their life savings for this big gargantuan wedding that to be honest, in the end at least two people are going to pissed off and unhappy about SOMETHING. Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior could come down from heaven, plan the perfect wedding, and one atheist guest would be angry because it was a Christian ceremony. #1 rule of thumb to remember in wedding planning: Do what YOU want, because you can't please everyone. According to moneyunder30.com, the average wedding in 2010 costs around $29,000 dollars....holy *&@#$% that is more than my first brand new car?! This apparently includes cost of the dress (don't even get me started on that...these crazy broads dropping 5 and 10K on a dress they wear one time?? That's at least 10 car payments honey, don't do it!!) as well?! WTF??!! Ladies, there are plenty of beautiful, cost-efficient dresses and shops out there, do your research! Total costs for my wedding was around $8K. I didn't stutter, I said t-o-t-a-l price. That included my dress (which I bought at a consignment store...it was a discontinued sample Casablanca, normally around $1,200, I got it for $500 and it STILL had the designer tags on it), plane tickets, our 7-night stay in Antigua, wedding cake, reception, officiant, marriage license, and getting my hair done at the resort. Attention about-to-be newly-weds! Do yourself a favor, do the smart thing! Take the money, put a down payment on a nice house, put the rest towards your honeymoon, and give everyone else the finger. If you're bound to not please everyone, then think of yourselves and not go over your heads in debt over ONE day! After all, in the end its all about you anyway.

And just as an FYI, there is NO rule that says you are supposed to immediately pop out kids after getting married!! It really is okay for you to try and meet your educational and/or career goals before reproducing. And if anything else, just enjoy being married for a while ya know?? Don't let ANYONE pressure you, and if there are other obligations that make you think twice after your baby-clock starts ringing, FULFILL THE OBLIGATIONS FIRST. Kids don't make a marriage any easier or better, but when the time is right and appropriate, only YOU TWO will know and only YOU TWO can make that decision, and only at that time will your life be fulfilled with God's blessing of a little one or two. Simple as that! I constantly get grief from friends and family back home that big guy and I don't have kids yet, and my folks are chomping at the bit for a grandchild. Dad swears that he is never going to be a Grandpa, and last time Mom started giving me a hard time, I told her that if they were so hard-pressed to be grand parents, they should adopt a kid or get a puppy, and get off my back. Grad school first!!! The next week, they came home with spoiled-rotten Rocky. I think they got the message? Back off people, your East Texas is showing!

Out of my years of cohabitation and being the interpersonally in-depth person I am, I can offer some of the following golden rules for a healthy marriage:

• Trust, trust, and more unending trust is absolutely required
• Be yourself, inside and out, all the time
• Respect your spouse and their feelings/desires/opinions
• Be confident in their knowledge, skills and abilities
• Your spouse is not going to share ALL of your interests, and vice versa. It really is okay to do things separately to maintain your identity as a unique individual
• Be fair in both time with each other and apart
• Keep separate checking accounts, but maintain one mutual savings account. Couples fight about money and "where it goes" more than anything else
• Establish budgets and financial responsibility early, such as who will pay which bills.
• Pick your battles, and carefully at that. Some things just are not worth getting into.
• Find a communication style that works for both of you
• It is okay to bicker with your significant other
• You don't always have to agree on things, but at least come to a compromise
• There will be fights, it's how you resolve them that matters
• If in a fight, take a few minutes away from each other to gather yourselves and be reasonable before coming back together for a resolution
• Establish household responsibilities, and don't be afraid to help or pick up the slack
• Don't ever go to bed angry at each other, neither of you will sleep well and it makes for a testy and grumpy morning
• Purchase a king size bed, its one of the best investments for both of you
• Acknowledge and praise your spouse on things well done, promotions, recognitions, ect.
• Compliment them, a little goes a long way
• Always, always say thank you
• Take the time at the end of the day to ask about each other's day
• Always kiss goodnight
• Always say "I love you" before you/they walk out the door
• Pray together
• Never miss an opportunity to laugh and joke with each other
• Talk to each other, like actually talk
• Pay attention to non-verbal behavior
• A random hug or kiss never hurts
• Never forget the reasons why you fell in love in the first place
• Leave your day-to-day problems from work/school at the door, it doesn't matter at the end of the day

Most of these can go hand-in-hand and are bits of common sense for the halfway-intellegent/. Now, some advice for the ladies and the gents:

Ladies-->

• Unless he offers, don't ever ever drag your guy shopping with you. There are million things he would rather be doing than trying not to tell you that that dress makes you look fat and you crying afterwards...you know it does, so why even ask? He had a hard enough time shopping for your ring, give him that.
• Let your guy have his "guy-time", it's only fair. He is allowed to sit on the couch in his underwear, drink beer and watch baseball from time to time. It would be the pot calling the kettle black if you said otherwise, you know you sit on the couch, in your pj's, with a glass of wine and watch chick-flicks when he's not around...don't deny it *wink*
• If you try to keep your guy on a super-short leash, he will eventually put up a fight. If you claim that you 110% trust him, then it really is okay to let him venture out with his friends. And to all the stuck-up prudes out there, going to the strip club with the guys every once in a while really is okay. He sees your boobs every day, and if he knows what's good for him (in more ways than one) he will gladly and willingly still appreciate yours at the end of the night. It is no different than you having a girls night out at LeBare, get over yourselves!
• Do not, I repeat DO NOT burn up his phone with calls/texts/voice-mails unless it is an emergency. He has a job and a social life too, leave him be.
• Let him have his vices. He is not going to give up sports, ESPN, fantasy baseball, the Xbox or PS3, beer, or being perverted. Am I going to give up my True Blood books, cosmos or chick-flicks? Hell no! Why should you ask the same of him?
• Do not ever try to hold a conversation with him when he is watching any game of any sort. He will not listen, nor will he care while the game is on the line. Wait till a commercial, or after it is over. Sidebar: you can definitely have his undivided attention if you bring him a beer and tell him whatever you have to say at the same time.
• Let him have a man-cave. He'll be much happier with a retreat space that is all his own with all his stuff.
• He is a guy. He is going to belch, fart, grope you when no one is looking, be gross in general, not pick his clothes up, not willingly wear pastels, refuse to throw away his old-holey t shirts/boxers, talk a bunch of crap that he doesn't mean, leave his beer cans on the coffee table, and generally do "guy-things" that make you want to vomit. This is where picking your battles come in...fuss at him for leaving the beer cans out and not picking up his dirty underwear (he does eventually learn, I promise), and/or won't throw away the ratty t shirts and boxers, but if he lets one rip when it's just you two at home, let it slide. You can make him a little less disgusting, and they will want to clean up to please you, but don't push your limits.
• Men are a lot smarter and more sensitive than given credit for. They do listen, they do pay attention, they are indeed insecure, and they too need constant reassurance. But once they're reassured, they're good, so don't be clingy.
• He is a creature of habit, get used to it.
• He will occasionally glance at other women, he has a penis, it is engrained in his DNA, he cannot help it. If a woman with a big set of double-D's and a 28-inch waist walked past you in a low-cut tank-top, you would look too.
• Don't you dare subject that poor man to floral or pastel anything, especially in your bedroom. He is a man, he does not want to sleep on/under a sea of pastel roses and ribbon. There are plenty of colors and designs than can cross both the masculine/feminine lines of decor.
• They will not change, come hell or high water. Make sure you know exactly what you're getting into before diving in head first. Best scare tactic/reality check? Take a tour of a fraternity house on a random Friday or Sunday afternoon, you'll gain some perspective.

Gents-->

• Girls will talk about you to their girlfriends. Don't expect anything to be kept a secret.
• The sister and or BFF will come to town, so expect to be ignored during that time. Its not personal.
• We can be just as perverted as guys.
• Shower often, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, clean up/throw away your mess, and put the seat down. It is all greatly appreciated and we will thank you for it.
• Do yourself a favor and ditch the holey shirts/boxers. When *ahem* covered parts begin to show, it's time to retire.
• Sometimes women just want to b*tch about their problems. We aren't expecting you to fix it or give us advice, we just want to let it out.
• Some girls like beer too, don't sell us short. 
• Our daddies are our heroes. They will hunt you down. 
• It's totally fine for you to have friends that are girls, just establish rules and trust on both sides
• We do not dig the old college bedspread, the beer signs, or your life-size poster of Jenna Jameson being in plain sight when the parentals come to visit, or anytime for that matter. Compromise on a man-cave, or toss it.
• Sometimes we really do have headaches and just aren't in the mood. We're not being stingy with the goods, you're still the macho sex-machine, promise.
• Let us have our True Blood books/dvd's and Harry Potter movie-thons. It's only fair. 
• We appreciate honesty, and we will listen.
• Flowers are always welcomed, no reason needed. 
• It is okay for us to not like your friends/parents/siblings, ect. Out of respect, we will be cordial and spend time with them if need-be or if the occasion calls for it. On the same notion, please do the same for us.

The book titled "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" cannot be any more accurate. Both sexes are complex individuals that requires an ample amount of work, communication, trust, and of course love to make a relationship between two people work from day-to-day. I never have and never will claim to be an expert on relationships and marriage, but after going through some of the bullsh*t I've gone through and being the realistic and practical person I am, I will say that I am smarter than the average female bear and have learned many lessons over the years. The main thing I can say when you know you've found the right person, you just know, but you can't live on love alone. Pennies for your thoughts :) 

The life of an admissions counselor...proceed with caution...

I am going to veer off the beaten path a little and give my (few) readers some insight in what I currently do for a living...a very low-paid living at that, BUT my health-benefits are awesome...My official title at a certain university in the DFW area of Texas is Admissions Counselor: otherwise known as Recruiter, Enrollment Services Advisor II, admissions processing reinforcement crew, road warrior, office-absentee (we are hardly ever actually in the office), university b*tch, crusher of hopes and dreams of the ignorant and stupid, and many many more...typical duties include traveling for the university with the DFW as well as statewide, working school-visits and college fairs by giving out information promoting our school, advising students on admission standards and transferable credits for the various degree programs, giving out general information on financial aid/housing, ect. ect...pretty standard stuff right? But that's not all...during the fall semester, it's a pretty common occurence for me to work 70+ hours in one work-week, much less get on a regular sleep schedule, eat somewhat healthy, see my husband for a total of about three hours, and remember my first name. (This is a BIG reason why hubs and I opted for a destination wedding...took care of everything, barely lifted a finger, LOVED it, totally recommend it! www.sandals.com, look for "WeddingMoons") Bleu-dog has a complex every travel season because he figures out my travel schedule...my poor sad boy, he loves his Mom...Between events, college fairs, traveling all over Texas, living out of a suitcase, rental-car places and airport security and staff knowing you by face/name, it takes a toll. And in between all of that, you are back in the office for a few days, advising students and answering the same questions to oblivious kids and hovering/helicopter parents...

I just completed my fourth year as an admissions counselor, and I can tell you first had that is job is definitely not for everybody. Imagine yourself being deleriously sleep-deprived from being up/pretty/packed/in your car at 4 AM, standing for hours on end, eating the same crappy food at every single school (sandwiches and stale grocery store cookies...really?? Show some imagination people...), answering the same questions over and over and over and over and over and over again, while wearing nice dress-clothes and a million layers of deoderant, and using every ounce of enthusiasm you have to sound interested and nice to the same cookie-cutter student and their parents who think they are God's gift to higher education (you have a 750 on SAT kid, a C+ in Algebra 2, and hate science and the sight of blood...common sense should tell that you will most likely not go for pre-med...do yourself a favor and get a reality check, okay?)...it takes a thick-skin, patience of a saint, and balls of steel to do my job. Fellow AC's can I get an amen up in hur??!! You know the show "Kids say the darndest things?" Yeah, it doesn't get any better as they get older...

For those who have been through college, you can attest that not every school is for every student. My thought is that if every college/university were the same, what would be the need for so friggin many??! There are multiple, obvious factors that make up the various universities in Texas, and all over the United States... but you would be shocked that MANY MANY MANY people that have NOT figured this concept out...things such as, oh I don't know, Degree programs? Student populations? Public/Private? School systems? Tuition prices? Community college? University? Tech/Vocational School? Colors? Mascots? (and the whopper of them all) Admission standards? *GASP* WTH?? REALLY?? All college/universites are NOT THE SAME?????!!!!! Who woulda thunk it??? Jesus Mary and Joseph may the Lord help and bless you through your lack of common sense...Oh...and nothing drives me more insane than this statement: "But yall are a local school, so that means I should be able to go here?" If I hear that one more time in the next four weeks, I will seriously go postal on someone...WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! Harvard is considered a local school to students who live in/near Cambridge, MA...as cool as that would be (and I would move to Cambridge in a heartbeat if this was the case) it doesn't mean that "locals" can just go to friggin Harvard!! Ugh...anyhoo! Here a few questions/scenarios I typically get at college fairs and school visits:

• "Does your school offer mechanical engineering?" -Why yes, our school is known for its engineering programs and was founded by a multi-billion dollar engineering based company. What are you wanting to do with an engineering degree? "I want to fix cars."-Okay, that's not neccesarily engineering. You're probably looking for an automotive technology program, those are typically offered at community colleges and tech schools. "But I want to do engineering so I can fix cars."-You sure you want to do engineering specifically? Do you like calculus and physics? "No ma'am, I hate math."-Then trust me, you don't want to study engineering. Go visit with Wyo-Tech across the room.
• "Yo yall got pre-meeeeeed?"-My name is not yo, it is Leanne, and yes we have a great pre-med program. Our pre-med students' average acceptance rate into first choice med school is around 70%. Our students typically do a pre-med emphasis within a science-based major, such as Biology. "WHAAAAT?? You gotta do biolgrey in pre-med?"-Yes..."Oh, foget dat! Yall got nursin?" (Aye yeh yeh...)
• "Do you have bartending as a major?"
• -Hi how are you guys? Do you know anything about our university? "No miss, you got soccer?"-Our university has a division III men's soccer team yes, but more importantly what are you wanting to study? "Soccer"-That's not a major, what are you wanting to study? "Sports then."-Sports and soccer are not majors...what kind of classes do you like in school? History? Science? Math? "Soccer..."-*sigh*
• "I want to play with little kids and make them feel good!" (Oh dear...)
• "Excruze me miss, can I axe youz a querstion? Yall got cosmetology?" (take in the mental picture of the girl asking this question: ratty/nappy hair dyed 5 different colors with a jacked-up do, matching teeth/hair/fingernails/toenails with her spare-tire hanging out of her 2-sizes too small shirt and skin-tight acid washed skinny jeans)-Yes, you can 'ask me a question'. No ma'am, cosmetology is not offered at any university. Go talk to the Aveda Academy over there, but first ask them what type of students they take and what type of clientel they get first...
• "So you're the same as *insert certain mother-ship-monstrosity of a school that is in our state capital in which our university is affilated with* right?" -Ummm, no not even close. All of the *mother-ship* system schools are all completely seperate and different instiutions. "Oh, so yall are like a junior college to *mother-ship*?"-Absolutely not. Our school actually has higher SAT score averages than *mother-ship*, along with one of the highest acceptance rates into law school and different academic programs. So by no means are we a junior college. "Oh..."-Have a great day!
• "What type of classes do I have to take?"-Well every student has to take the core cirriculum, which consists of courses such as history, governement, english, ect. "But what if I don't want to take those classes?"-Then you won't get a degree. "Oh, well why not?"
• "I have a 750 on my SAT, can I get a scholarship at your school?"-Well probably not. Our min. SAT score just for automatic admission is such and such, and our average SAT score last year was around this-and-that. "So what your saying is I can't get a scholarship?" -Probably not...
• "I won 1st place in my school's robotics competition, and I have a 1450 on SAT...do I stand a chance at being admitted?"-Welcome to your new home kid!
• "Yall have medical?"-Ummm, medical what exactly? That's a broad range when you're talking about degree programs. Can you be more specific? "You know, like medical stuff?"-Sadly no I am not familiar with 'medical stuff'.
• "What type of classes should I take to better-prepare myself for your school's pre-med program?-*silently screaming praise Jesus, finally a good question!!!!* Well, usually students prepare themselves for a pre-med program by taking higher-level math courses, such as calculus, and AP biology, chemistry, and perhaps anatomy and physiology? That would definitely be a good place to start. "Oh okay, that's great to know! I have heard your university has a great sciences school and pre-med program, I am really interested!"-*gaining every ounce of composure not to bear-hug this student* That's wonderful, I am so glad to hear it! So you're interested in going to medical school after your bachelors degree? What specialization are you looking to go into?"-Vaginacology "-*stumped speechless, trying to hold onto any composure I can muster* Ummm, excuse me, you mean gynocology, correct? "Yeah, that's what I said, vaginacology"-Wow, ummmm, that isn't right. Be careful on how you word that...

I will give you a minute to gather yourself and change underpants...3-2-1...times up! Sadly, this is all 100% true. The best part of being on the road is when you are gathered with AC's/recruiters from other schools at a local bar or restaurant after a night fair trading stories back and forth. We could seriously come together and write a book...it would instantly be a best seller...Then of course when traveling season dies down, and the events have gone off without a hitch (for the 9th and 10th time that semester), you get to come back to the office, catch up on the bajillion emails you received over the weeks you were gone, and advise prospective students who come in for appointments or a campus tour. I also take the random phone calls that come into our office...I like to say that our student-workers love me, but after the following scenario, I began to question that theory...condensed version as follows:

"No sir, the online FAFSA is not an admissions application...the university cannot give a non-admitted student money...you would need to fill out an admissions application online seperately from the FAFSA...yes sir, you would need to be an admitted student to potentially receive financial aid to our university through the FAFSA...the FAFSA is useless without a current admissions application on file...no the money will not be waiting on you if you do not apply and get admitted to the university...We look for a 2.5...What is a 2.5? It's a GPA sir, yes that is grade point average...between a grade "B" and C" yes sir, but our overall transfer GPA average is typically higher than a 2.5...yes sir our students are very bright...no sir, your GPA is too low...state universities in Texas typically will not admit a student with a GPA below 2.0 from a community college, especially if a student is on probation or suspension...we cannot admit you period if you are on probation...this is a state law sir, yes I'm sure...no you cannot use the same essay for our university that you used for *another school that shall not be named*...no sir, an essay will not help your case if you have over 60 hours & a GPA below 2.0...every university has different admissions standards, yes really...your best option is to retake some courses at your community college to get your GPA up...their (another *mother-ship* system-school) transfer GPA is a 2.25, so no they probably won't admit you either...it sounds like you need to retake some classes at your community college...sir I'm pretty sure there are plenty of classes you can retake to get your GPA up if it's below a 2.0, yes that's grade point average..."

And of course, the various classics:

• "I don't think it's right for you base an admission decision off of a student's previous academic history!" (Dude, what else are we going to base it on?!?! Moron...)
• "I've taken College Algebra for my associates and I'm looking to transfer into your engineering school, that math class should be good enough to transfer right?"-Well usually no, the core math requirements for any engineering student is typically accelerated calculus (aka "Bill Gates-Genius" calculus) 1 and 2. Beyond that there are required upper-level physics and engineering courses that require cal. 1 and 2 as pre-requisites. You should stay at your community college and get through calculus before transfering over. "I don't understand, is engineering a lot of calculus and physics?" (*DING DING DING* We have a winner!!!)
• "I am a restaurant/hotel management major at *dirt-farmers-u*, how will my classes transfer to your school?"-Well, since we don't have a RHM major at our school, they will most likely be elective credit or non-transferable at all. "So my classes won't transfer to your RHM program?" (Am I speaking friggin Greek?)-Again, no our university does not have a RHM program. Try *mean green-u*, they have a great RHM program. "Aren't yall the same?"-If we were the same, would we have two different universities with different names and programs? "Oh, but yall are both the color green?" (Thank you again, Captain Obvious...)
• "I can't get a transcript from one of my previous schools, so I just didn't list it on my application."-Well, it is listed on your latest transcript, so you will need to get it in if you want to register for classes in time for Fall. "What if I don't? How would anyone know?"-Because I have magicial and official access to your records, I will then make a note in your file, you will have committed academic fraud, you will be kicked out of school, its goes on your permanent record as a felony, our university could potentially lose its accredidation and funding, and thousands upon thousands of students' degrees will be null and void. "Oh, so I should probably get that transcript huh?"-Yes, that would be a great idea for all of us...

And parents, oh they are so special...

• "I just don't understand why my son was denied?! He's #1 in his class! He should be admitted and get the valedictorian's scholarship based on that alone!"-Ma'am, your son has an 18 on ACT and is home schooled...not only is he first in his class, he's also last. His test score is below par (26 comp.) and GPA is relavent for home-schooled and private-schooled applicants. "I just don't understand that, he's very smart! I wrote him a recommendation letter!" Ma'am, rec. letters from parents are invalid for our admissions process. That would be like my mother writing me a recommendation letter stating that I am the princess of Monocco and should marry Prince William. "Well, you people just don't understand intellegence!" (apparently, she doesn't either...)
• "I would like to know the status of my son's application." I apologize ma'am, but your son is over the age of 18 and falls under the privacy laws of FERPA. We cannot release any information regarding a student's application to anyone other than the student. "And why not?! I am his Mother!"-Again I am sorry, but legally he is considered an adult and legally I am really not allowed to give you any information regarding his file. "He's in school?! He doesn't have time to call you!"-Ma'am, our office closes at 6 PM, he has plenty of time to call after school gets out. And since his high school is about, ooooooohhh, 2 miles from our campus, he could easily come to our office after school. "Well that's just too hard on him! You can't expect him to do all of this on his own?!"-Ma'am, if he is going to be the one going to school here, he has to live and go to class on his own. Parents cannot live, go to class, take the tests, get through the classes for the students. There's a certain amount of responsibility a university expects out of potential students. He is 18, he is legally considered an adult, he will need to take care of it. "Well, you people are just no help to your students!" (Yes, we should be there every second to wipe their little bottoms too...give me a break...)
• -(after trying to talk reason into this crazy woman for a good 15-20 minutes) "I just don't understand why my daughter was denied. She got into a,b,c,d,e schools (all private schools or schools with more lax admission standards) but not yours! Just based on her admission other places you should admit her! After all, yall are JUST a 'local' school? Why are you trying to be so selective? I want you to be honest with me!"-(oh lordy, that lady had NO idea what she was requesting of this AC...) You really want me to be completely honeset ma'am? "Yes I do!"-Okay...First of all, don't ever assume you know everything about a university. Ours is a Teir 1 institution with internationally recognized researched programs, some of the highest acceptance rates into med/pharmacy/dental/PA/law schools in the state, top 10-ranked programs in the nation, and is #1 in SAT score averages out of all public universities in the state. Second, it may not be the best idea for you to blatantly insult a school in which your daughter was denied and you're trying to argue her case. And if we are just a 'local' school that you're being so non-chalant about, why are you so adamant about her being admitted?  She has been accepted to other pretty good schools, its not like she is void of options. Third, your daughter's application didn't even come close to our average test score and GPA/class-ranking averages. And lastly, just because a school is 'local' in terms of geographical location and region doesn't mean that its exactly 'easy' to be admitted. Harvard University is considered quote-unquote local to residents in/near Cambridge, MA...doesn't mean that everyone can go to Harvard. Does that clear it up? *dead silence*-Ma'am, are you there? "I...I...I think that we'll just consider the other schools that accepted her."-That sounds like a great idea, and it sounds like she has other good options, one of those schools is my alma mater, she will love it. Have a great day!

For a sarcastic and blunt person as myself, you have NO EARTHLY IDEA just HOW hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut on a daily basis...this job has been the greatest test of my patience, but I have grown from and gained more than enough experience over the years to fill over half a page of my resume. I have literally done and said it all in this profession (some stuff I shouldn't have said, but damnit it made an impact), and it only makes me THAT much more excited about going back to school. Oh masters' degree, how I loooooooooong for thee...in due time, in due time. :)

Halleluigheeeerrr, I has retuuuuned!!

Helluuuuuurrrr!! Yeah, it's been a while...I know I know, yall have been on pins and needles waiting on another post...right??? On a serious note, work and life has been a little crazy lately, so that's why I have quite frankly been slacking on the blogging...Just humor me, there's plenty more to come ;)

Folks, sister, and soon-to-be brother in law Captain America...soon you will understand :)

To accurately explain and describe my parents to the outside community tends to require a comfortable chair and a stiff drink...Freud would have had a field day with analyzing my family. Talk about some very unique, educated, complex, individual, and out-spoken people...parents are both short-tempered and extremely set in their ways, but they will objectively look at any issue, discuss it through and definitely love each other "for better or worse." Both grew up in my hometown, knew each other their entire lives, and Daddy was in love with Mom since day one. It took her a few extra years to realize that she didn't completely despise her younger brother's best friend, but they got married and had me...what more could you ask for?? HA...

My dad is my hero, despite how many times we have butted heads and he's pissed me off to no ends...he once made me drive home in a hailstorm so that my "car would be safe and wouldn't get beat to hell"...umm, hello?!? Ask me sometime about the starter going out of my POS car from high school the day he was leaving for a fishing tournament...Daddy is half Cherokee Indian, 1/4 German and 1/4 Irish. He's about 6'2" with salt and pepper black hair, dark skin, and bright blue eyes. Hubs Brian describes him as a "scary Wilford Brimley" (the Quaker Oats and 'Diabeetus' guy) so there you go. I like to think of him as the redneck equivalent to the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding..."put some Weendex on it"...He grew up the youngest (by about 3 minutes) of triplet boys and one older brother to a dirt-poor truck driver and teacher's aid. (yet another family association...'Oh your dad is one of those H-triplets?! Now which one do you belong to?)And back in the 1950's, there was no such thing as invitro fertilization...my saint of a grandmother conceived, carried to full term, and delivered all three of them naturally at all of 19 years old. Yes, she is one hell of a lady, and genetically she has passed that onto myself and cousin Lisa. (the multiples gene skips a generation from grandmother to female grandchild on Dad's side of the family...so big-guy and I have the chance of having three quirky, brunette, blue-eyed kids at the same time...thanks Grandom! Lisa no offense, I hope it's you *wink*) Growing up he was the epitome of a typical boy, somewhat of a sports prodigy, and is a jack of all trades. He can build and fix anything, pick up any sport and play it well, hunt, fish, shoot the wings off a fly if he tried hard enough, even catch a live armadillo by the tail (no lie). Daddy was a football and track star, and even made it to the minor leagues in baseball. During college, he was both a skydiving and scuba diving instructor, welder, owned a motorcycle, and lived life to the fullest. In other words, he was adventurous and considered a ladies man...which God had a sense of humor and later gave him two daughters. He was also the only one out of his brothers to graduate from college, and went on to coach and teach math/vocational education for almost 30 years.You probably won't find another man his age that is more talkative, borderline flirtacious w/his dirty old man moments (apparently he's 'earned them'), highly conservative, easily entertained, eccentric, and cynical in your lifetime.That's right, my dad is THAT guy in the bib overalls, US Navy hat, driving a beater pickup truck with NRA (if terrorists ever invaded our hometown, Dad could form an arsenal with just what is in the gun cabinet/under beds/in closets/drawers/his truck and be more than prepared...yeah, active NRA member is an understatement) and No-Bama bumper stickers, doesn't give a sh*t and will tell you what exactly is on his mind (good or bad, depends on how you take it). Not to mention he was CRAZY-strict on us growing up...my curfew was 10 PM, even after I turned 18, we couldn't date at all until we were 16 (and when your birthday is in April, that sucked), no boys were allowed to be in our rooms, if you made a "B" in a class you were instantly grounded (which finally got bypassed when he realized that math/chemistry/physics were NOT in the cards for me), we were in church every single Sunday morning (pretty much had to be on your death-bed and bleeding out of every hole of your body to miss it), Bible-Drill every Sunday night, and never ever allowed to argue regardless of what the point might have been. He could have adamently said that the sky was purple, and you couldn't say that was wrong and it was really blue. Looking back, I think this may have been a contributing factor for my lack of tolerance and patience for stupidity and unreasonableness...did I live through it? Yes, but it was no picnic...Dad has made some enemies in his lifetime, but only because he does not tolerate people walking all over him just because they have more money or think they are better in general. He once was invited to participate in an annual "charity" golf tournament at the local country club (which he despises) by the school-district superintendent and his big-whig "old oil family" pals. Dad beat the snot out of them in the tournament, actually placed in the top 3, and they never invited him back. He was rightfully pretty smug about beating the yuppy-clan :) I can say that we never missed out on lots of fun growing up. He never missed an opportunity to take us fishing, camping, swimming, horseback riding, to the gun range, bike riding, Dairy Queen for Blizzards, and even shopping. (He sat on the bench in the mall, read his paper/book, and then droolled over tools at Sears) Despite the strictness, he loved us 120%, helped and picked us up whenever we needed, and taught us to be the best we could be. Daddy also has an infamous reputation to say the least, for some reasons I'd rather/shall not share...crazy old man...Now he is happily retired, holds two masters degrees, owns a John Deer, broadcasts the high school football games over the local AM station (Ticket's own 2004 Homer Call Award winner-http://www.bobanddan.com/Homer%20champ%202004%20kilgore.mp3), teaches Sunday school, drinks the Sam Adams (his favorite beer), watches the History and Military channels on obnoxiously loud volume (old man is deaf as a stump), rides around town with Rocky (my folks sickingly-spoiled-rotten mini-Jack Russel mix dog, he's an oozingly-cute mess), goes fishing, plays golf, "smells gun powder" at the range, and gets a honey-do list regularly from Mom. This was also the same man double-fisting pina coladas at our destination wedding, cried when I said my vows, and then proceeded to taking pictures of topless women sunbathing...apparently he had to have proof to show his buddies later? That was his story anyway, and he was sticking to it...were we shocked? Not really...

Mom is the product of stubborn, crazy Arkansas hillbillies with just about every European lineage in her family tree. I wish I were exaggerating...you name it, it's probably there. From what I've been able to gather, (which I could easily be wrong or right on the money) I've narrowed it down to Scotch-Irish, German, Greek, Swiss, French, and possibly some Polish and/or Italian. From there, it is a mystery. And with my mom's and two uncles differentiating genes and traits, (Mom-brunette/fair-skinned/average height/green eyes, Uncle L-blue eyes/darker skin/dark hair/somewhat taller, Uncle G-blonde/fair-skinned/blue-eyed/taller) it could very well be all across the board. She was the oldest of three to a beloved teacher/counselor (Grandma is super-cool, and has a PhD) and a savvy businessman, and moved to my/our hometown as a young girl. There she excelled in school, fought off her younger brother's irritant of a best friend (AKA, my dad), was a prominent member in acapella choir/chamber singers/church choir/music ensambles, cheered through high school and college, competed in beauty pageants (she actually placed top 5 in the Miss Denton pageant  go Mom!) to help pay for school, went off to University of North Texas, became active in a sorority (Omicron, which was local until it went national to Tri-Delta), graduated, taught in the DFW area for a few years, got married, had my sister, split from her ex, moved back to our hometown to be closer to family, got back in touch with my dad after years and years, they started dating, dad proposed on an Ozark mountaintop at sunset (you've got to give him props on that, but she told Dad to spit out his chewing tobacco and ask her again...classy), got married, and then nine months later were surprised with me, YAY! Hehehe...To this day they will look at each other, every now and then, and ask each other "We're married?! When the hell did this happen??" Mom was always the voice of reason when it came to growing up in the H-household...when my dad would go off on a rant/tagent, she would always be the one to say enough and suck it up. She has been there, done that, and is one of the best people for advice I've ever had. However, Mom has no short-term memory to speak of, and honestly I can't recall when she ever did...there have been multiple incidents where she has forgotten to pick us up from dance/choir/theatre/orchestra/drill-team practice/youth night/church/bible-drill/birthday parties, as well as thrown away bills/field-trip permission slips/wedding invitations, forgot to unplug the iron (this is a running joke in our family), left the stove on, forgot that the super-old/half-blind family dog was still outside (poor Tasha), and so many other things and times that are just too vastly numerous to list...honestly, we just got used to it after a while and learned to call and "remind" her that we were STILL waiting outside for her. And it's not that Mom did it on purpose, no not by any means, she just really was THAT forgetful. Cell phones were a miracle breakthrough for her lack of memory...poor Mom, she really meant well. Look out though, this lady has a short fuse...stubborn as an old mule, she will not back down if she is mad and thinks she is correct. I have genuine sympathy for anyone that has tried to get in her way, because they are probably still sporting tred and claw-marks. I will give Mom some props though, she is the garage-sale queen. I am beyond amazed at some of the things she has brought home (Kate Spade and Coach purses that still had the tags, Ferragamo shoes, Fiesta flatware, designer jeans, furniture-hence how she supplies her antique restoration business, and so much more), but for some reason she always seems to buy a friggin vacuum cleaner no matter how decrepit the thing is...she has this one hideous old school vacuum that is held together with duct tape and a prayer that she has been trying to pawn off on me and sister for years..."but it's great for tile and wood floors!" (Yeah when it isn't falling apart in multiple pieces and sounds like it is about to explode Mom...) Speaking of exploding vacuums, that actually happened! If only I were joking...the dilapidated garage-sale vacuums have always been weird "thing" for my mom, even when we were kids. For the amount of money she has spent on vacuum cleaners in the past 10 years, she could have bought a crazy-expensive Dyson and had it hand-delivered by that snobby-British founder of theirs to her front door...anyhoo, story goes: I can't remember exactly how old I was, I think mid-to-late middle school b/c sister was in high school, but Mom was vacuuming the living room with her "bargain" POS when it started to make a really weird noise. Not phased by this (they all seemed to make that noise, hence why someone sold them in a garage sale), she kept on vacuuming until it came to a screeching (literally) halt, exploded, and caught on fire. Caught, on friggin, fire...granted the flames subsided very quickly, but the entire house was filled with thick, awful, burnt rubber/plastic-smelling smoke. Sister and I were dying laughing, (between hacking/coughing from the smoke), the smoke alarm is beeping and going nuts, Dad hid his face and stifled his laughter behind the newspaper...all in the mean time, Mom is dropping sh*ts and damnits all over the place, getting irritated b/c we are in-tears laughing, and Dad wasn't helping all b/c she was telling him "dammit Don it's NOT funny!!" Oh yes Mother dearest, yes it was, and still is...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Also, she has no concept of a thought-to-mouth filter, and there have been times where sister and I have wanted to put a bag over her head and throw her into a getaway car just to avoid the repercussions. We can't decide if it's because she's getting older and even more senile, or that she just flat-out doesn't care anymore? Which to a point, I don't blame her...prime example: A few months ago, myself/Mom/sister all went wedding-dress shopping in Dallas for sister's upcoming July nuptials to Captain America Scott (my soon-to-be bro-in-law that's in the Navy and might as well be a combo of Paul Bunyon, Bear Grils-Survival Man, Aqua-Man, Captain America and Jesus according to my dad...who has kind of a man-crush on Scott...he is a great guy though, we love him, he adores my sister, and that's what really matters...he too will be in this post) While sister was busy getting chiffoned/satined/strapped-in/cinched-up in the dressing room, there was another bridal group where the bride's sister was about six months pregnant. The mother and friends were all talking about her pregnancy, and she made a comment that she vowed to have her old weight and abs back in time for the wedding. Bold statement, good for her, I admire her ambition, but mom looked at her (in front of the poor girl's sister, family, friends, ect.) and said "Don't count on it, they'll never be the same again." I wanted to crawl into the sea of satin and tool and just disapear at that moment...geez...all I could do was wait for my mom to go to the bathroom (for the 80th time) and sincerely/profusely apologize to that girl. Later I told sister in private what Mom said, and she was completely mortified but sadly not surprised...Mom is who she is, and definitely keeps us on our toes! Nonetheless, she has always been there for me, through all the good and just plain sh*tty, and I honestly don't know what I would do if she wasn't in my life. For instance, when jackhole-cheater-pumpkin-eater dumped me (saying he wasn't ready to get married and settle down...but low and behold, he gets hitched to the lab partner he had been messing around with the weekend before big-guy and I got married, AND they just had a baby...not ready to settle down huh? Ugh, I am SO much better off! Thank you Lord! Edge of cliff...) and took half the furniture (if you found out what was done on said furniture without your knowledge, you would want it gone too...or burned, either one), Mom went out and bought me a brand-new, beautiful suede couch when I moved into a new apartment. I told her that was way too generous, and her response was "Well babygirl, it's cheaper than a wedding dress." Touche' Mother dearest, and thanks for the gorgeous couch that looks smashing in our house :)

And that brings me to the blonde-bombshell I've referred to as "sister" in this post, Jena. As you probably figured out Jena is technically my half-sister (same Mother dearest), but there is NO question that we are siblings and where we come from. If you were to met us on separate occasions, you would never guess it in a million years, until you put us in the same room. *DING* We have a match! Same smile, weird sense of humor, temper, political views, appreciation for fire arms (yes we are usually armed) and good wine (just not together), no doubt...she shares my (sometimes inappropriate)
enthusiasm for
humor in every day
life/things/people, and is
always the one I can send the "man or
woman?" picture-text/random email
from a dumb kid asking an even more
dumb question, call when I saw the Sara's
Secret billboard with the frightened
cucumber (cracks me up every time),
and she hysterically laughs with me.
In everything else, we are polar opposites:
Jena is blonde haired/blue-eyed/fair-skinned,
I am brunette/green-eyed/dark-skinned (thanks Daddy!), she sings like an angel, I can't
carry a tune in a bucket with a lid, she has no physical rhythm whatsoever (2-left feet to the
max, which is strange because she can pick up any instrument and play it), I can learn dance choreography from a music video by watching it once or twice(just ask the hubs or my folks, they have seen me do it, and I DOMINATE at Wii Dance Party!! You definitely want me on your team), she's flighty, I am very direct, she can go days without a shower and not stink, I sweat like a racehorse and can't go 12 hours without a shower, she hates vegetables (a "salad" for her is a bowl of croutons w/ranch dressing), I can't get enough salad and greens, she is a night-owl, I get horribly cranky if I'm not in bed by 11 PM, she drives a huge beast of a Dodge truck, I drive a crossover Nissan SUV, I lived at the orthodontist office as a tween, she never had to have braces or dental work done, and the list goes on...Jena has worn, and still wears many hats in her life: waitress, telemarketer, teacher, high-school counselor, wedding planner, artist, designer/decorator, gardener, semi-pro singer (visit her website at www.jenawalker.com, or find her on iTunes), divorcee, clinical psychologist for the old and senile ("You like pecker sauce huh?"), and soon to be military wife. God bless her...We fought like cats and dogs growing up, and could barely stand each other for more than a few minutes. But from what I've been told, she was unmercifully mean to me as a little kid...there's apparently a story where she was ruthlessly picking on me for something, and I guess I had had enough, took one of Dad's golf clubs and proceed to chase and whack her with it...I don't remember this at all, but as the expression goes, apparently that was the day the music stopped and she was never THAT mean to me again. With us being five years apart, we didn't become close until after she transferred schools and moved away. This was about the time I was starting high school, and I began to actually miss my sister. There are just some things that parents don't really understand when you're a teenager ya know? Thank the Lord for instant messenger! When my parents finally caved and got a computer/internet, we constantly chatted over IM, and I usually sought her advice for things only "sisters" could really "talk" about. I loved it when she would come home on weekends and tell me all about her classes, professors, college life, travels with her then boyfriend, student teaching, ect. I was happy for her, but yet it still made me yearn even more for a life like her's...she was just "Jena", and the happiest she had ever been. All the high-school/hometown drama that weighed on me (not by choice) was always a brushed-off reassurance when she would say "when you get to college, none of that mess will matter, and no one will give a sh*t, trust me" She gave great advice, but as said in my first intro-post she was incredibly over-the-left-field-fence ADD...my mom was in denial about it for years, thinking that she was just ditzy and absent-minded, but looking back I don't see how Mom didn't put her on adderal from day one. I told you about the pizza/shoe/microwave debacle...that really happened...it was a common occurrence to find such things as a half-prepared sandwich and all the condiments left on the counter, front-door wide open from letting the dog out, all the lights/fans/tv's/radio on, half-empty can of soda in the closet, cordless phone in the fridge, shower running, one shoe in the living room (where was the other one? when they weren't in the microwave? always a mystery...), bag of crackers on the bathroom counter...and where was Jena in all this? Most likely at work, choir practice, out with her boyfriend, or in a lounge chair in the backyard sunning/reading...you would ask her later about said random item/situation that was obviously half-finished and left behind, she would be like "Oh THAT! Well, (that's how it always started) I was in my room reading/listening to the radio and finishing my Dr. Pepper when I realized that my other shoe was still missing and needed to look for it...then I went into all the other rooms looking for it, couldn't find it, then realized it was lunchtime and started to make myself a sandwich when the phone rang and Tasha needed to go out. After I got off the phone and realized what time it was, I needed to shower for (insert whatever she had planned/scheduled) but also remembered that I forgot to mark my place in my book."...okay...but how do you explain the crackers in the bathroom? Riddle me that blondie? This was a constant thing in our house, and we just kinda learned to drop Jena some "reminders" that she was a functional human and to keep track of what she's doing...how she made it through school, college, and a masters degree as well as she did is beyond me. And her room...OMG...it was a momentous day when you could see partial-carpet on the floor, I'll just say that. Having our bedrooms side-by-side growing up was always an obviously hilarious comparison...when we talk about contributing factors to personality traits, I think I developed my OCD-ness for organization just by living within 5-feet of Jena's room. I am not NEARLY as bad as some where I color-coordinate my post-it notes by where that color falls alphabetically, but things are always in some sort of order and PUT AWAY! I can't stand clutter, lights on in a room if no one is in there, food left out on the counter, clothes (clean or dirty) everywhere, it's all so overwhelming...(This was quite an adjustment for king-bachelor/pre-me-moving-in Brian, who still has yet to grasp some of my neuroses, but just HOW hard is it to throw your empty beer can in the trash, put away the Triscuits box, and shut a cabinet door?? Someone PLEASE tell me?! He has a friggin computer science degree, works for one of the nation's top Fortune 500 companies writing software, and can't seem to make the association between an empty can to the trash, or dirty underwear to the hamper...boys...) God love my sister...despite the random antics, she is still the best person to share a big plate of fajitas and a bottle of wine with while just shootin' the breeze and talking about life's blessings and trials. Countless times we have laughed, cried our eyes out, yelled, been pissed off, together...you name it, we've been there. Our bond runs deep, and it is simply irreplaceable.

And last, but certainly not least, my soon-to-be brother-in-law, Scott. Oklahoma native, oldest brother to two vivacious sisters (LOVE those girls!!!), world-traveler, currently on deployment serving in the US Navy, and was recently awarded "Sailor of the Quarter." His military specializations include being a rescue-diver, and also part of an anti-terrorist/anti-pirate "group" if you will. (I don't know military terminology at all, and Jena/Scott both will probably berate me for my lack thereof...) And yes, we constantly give him an overload of pirate jokes and tell him to eat lots of oranges so he won't get scuuuuuuuuurvy, arrrrrrr!! Sorry, had to do it...and going with the trend of running jokes, Scott has the amazing ability to fix and construct anything with a hammer, wood, and duct tape. How he does it, I am not exactly sure, but he pretty  much "whittled" his own bed and other various items of furniture and shelving. Its definitely a talent, but also lots of ammunition for giving him a really hard time...I once asked him if he whittled his refrigerator out of a pine tree and arctic ice that an endangered baby seal, he happen to nurse back to health in all of his Navy adventures, brought him in return...yeah, he didn't share my humor, but of course Jena did :) I half-joked that he was going to get him a case of duct tape for Christmas next year, and it wasn't exactly dismissed as a potential gift...and yes, whether Daddy wants to admit it or not, he has a huge man-crush on Scott. Adores my sister? Drinks beer? Country boy? Military? Sharp shooter? Master diver? (Dad was/still is an avid scuba diver) Loves fishing and golf? Oober conservative? OCD with cleanliness and organization? (you should see his tool shed...) Yeah, he's in man-love...hence how Scott was dubbed with the nickname "Captain America", thanks to Brian who willingly takes the 2nd place medal in the son-in-law competition...*sigh* (Mom still adores you honey... and Dad knows you are right for "me") In all seriousness, Scott has been Jena's lifesaver and guardian angel. They met when Jena was the college/career counselor for a local East Texas high school, and he had a short-stent as a Navy recruiter. Jena's high school was one of Scott's schools...they were close friends for years, and then when she finally ended it with her ex (awful husband, he didn't deserve her) Scott was there to pick up the pieces and lend a hand/shoulder to cry on. Jena knew that he had a BIG crush on her for a LONG time, and finally gave in after she filled for divorce. Despite all of her hardships, she is complete with Scott. He treats her like gold, sets her straight when need be (trust me, she needs to be brought back down to earth from time to time) , and just "gets" her inside-and-out. Thank you Scott for making her happy, she certainly deserved it :) And their wedding?? A week in Jamaica??? YEAH 'MON!!!

In the end, you are who you are, and that will never change. Another thing that will never change...family. These crazy and complex people that built me up, and in some way scarred me for life, will always and forever hold a special place in my heart. I would take a bullet for them, and besides Brian of course, they will always come first. They helped me become the independent and unique woman I am today, and I always say thanks and that I love them at every opportunity. I suggest you do the same...pennies for your thoughts, as always :)