The life of an admissions counselor...proceed with caution...

I am going to veer off the beaten path a little and give my (few) readers some insight in what I currently do for a living...a very low-paid living at that, BUT my health-benefits are awesome...My official title at a certain university in the DFW area of Texas is Admissions Counselor: otherwise known as Recruiter, Enrollment Services Advisor II, admissions processing reinforcement crew, road warrior, office-absentee (we are hardly ever actually in the office), university b*tch, crusher of hopes and dreams of the ignorant and stupid, and many many more...typical duties include traveling for the university with the DFW as well as statewide, working school-visits and college fairs by giving out information promoting our school, advising students on admission standards and transferable credits for the various degree programs, giving out general information on financial aid/housing, ect. ect...pretty standard stuff right? But that's not all...during the fall semester, it's a pretty common occurence for me to work 70+ hours in one work-week, much less get on a regular sleep schedule, eat somewhat healthy, see my husband for a total of about three hours, and remember my first name. (This is a BIG reason why hubs and I opted for a destination wedding...took care of everything, barely lifted a finger, LOVED it, totally recommend it! www.sandals.com, look for "WeddingMoons") Bleu-dog has a complex every travel season because he figures out my travel schedule...my poor sad boy, he loves his Mom...Between events, college fairs, traveling all over Texas, living out of a suitcase, rental-car places and airport security and staff knowing you by face/name, it takes a toll. And in between all of that, you are back in the office for a few days, advising students and answering the same questions to oblivious kids and hovering/helicopter parents...

I just completed my fourth year as an admissions counselor, and I can tell you first had that is job is definitely not for everybody. Imagine yourself being deleriously sleep-deprived from being up/pretty/packed/in your car at 4 AM, standing for hours on end, eating the same crappy food at every single school (sandwiches and stale grocery store cookies...really?? Show some imagination people...), answering the same questions over and over and over and over and over and over again, while wearing nice dress-clothes and a million layers of deoderant, and using every ounce of enthusiasm you have to sound interested and nice to the same cookie-cutter student and their parents who think they are God's gift to higher education (you have a 750 on SAT kid, a C+ in Algebra 2, and hate science and the sight of blood...common sense should tell that you will most likely not go for pre-med...do yourself a favor and get a reality check, okay?)...it takes a thick-skin, patience of a saint, and balls of steel to do my job. Fellow AC's can I get an amen up in hur??!! You know the show "Kids say the darndest things?" Yeah, it doesn't get any better as they get older...

For those who have been through college, you can attest that not every school is for every student. My thought is that if every college/university were the same, what would be the need for so friggin many??! There are multiple, obvious factors that make up the various universities in Texas, and all over the United States... but you would be shocked that MANY MANY MANY people that have NOT figured this concept out...things such as, oh I don't know, Degree programs? Student populations? Public/Private? School systems? Tuition prices? Community college? University? Tech/Vocational School? Colors? Mascots? (and the whopper of them all) Admission standards? *GASP* WTH?? REALLY?? All college/universites are NOT THE SAME?????!!!!! Who woulda thunk it??? Jesus Mary and Joseph may the Lord help and bless you through your lack of common sense...Oh...and nothing drives me more insane than this statement: "But yall are a local school, so that means I should be able to go here?" If I hear that one more time in the next four weeks, I will seriously go postal on someone...WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! Harvard is considered a local school to students who live in/near Cambridge, MA...as cool as that would be (and I would move to Cambridge in a heartbeat if this was the case) it doesn't mean that "locals" can just go to friggin Harvard!! Ugh...anyhoo! Here a few questions/scenarios I typically get at college fairs and school visits:

• "Does your school offer mechanical engineering?" -Why yes, our school is known for its engineering programs and was founded by a multi-billion dollar engineering based company. What are you wanting to do with an engineering degree? "I want to fix cars."-Okay, that's not neccesarily engineering. You're probably looking for an automotive technology program, those are typically offered at community colleges and tech schools. "But I want to do engineering so I can fix cars."-You sure you want to do engineering specifically? Do you like calculus and physics? "No ma'am, I hate math."-Then trust me, you don't want to study engineering. Go visit with Wyo-Tech across the room.
• "Yo yall got pre-meeeeeed?"-My name is not yo, it is Leanne, and yes we have a great pre-med program. Our pre-med students' average acceptance rate into first choice med school is around 70%. Our students typically do a pre-med emphasis within a science-based major, such as Biology. "WHAAAAT?? You gotta do biolgrey in pre-med?"-Yes..."Oh, foget dat! Yall got nursin?" (Aye yeh yeh...)
• "Do you have bartending as a major?"
• -Hi how are you guys? Do you know anything about our university? "No miss, you got soccer?"-Our university has a division III men's soccer team yes, but more importantly what are you wanting to study? "Soccer"-That's not a major, what are you wanting to study? "Sports then."-Sports and soccer are not majors...what kind of classes do you like in school? History? Science? Math? "Soccer..."-*sigh*
• "I want to play with little kids and make them feel good!" (Oh dear...)
• "Excruze me miss, can I axe youz a querstion? Yall got cosmetology?" (take in the mental picture of the girl asking this question: ratty/nappy hair dyed 5 different colors with a jacked-up do, matching teeth/hair/fingernails/toenails with her spare-tire hanging out of her 2-sizes too small shirt and skin-tight acid washed skinny jeans)-Yes, you can 'ask me a question'. No ma'am, cosmetology is not offered at any university. Go talk to the Aveda Academy over there, but first ask them what type of students they take and what type of clientel they get first...
• "So you're the same as *insert certain mother-ship-monstrosity of a school that is in our state capital in which our university is affilated with* right?" -Ummm, no not even close. All of the *mother-ship* system schools are all completely seperate and different instiutions. "Oh, so yall are like a junior college to *mother-ship*?"-Absolutely not. Our school actually has higher SAT score averages than *mother-ship*, along with one of the highest acceptance rates into law school and different academic programs. So by no means are we a junior college. "Oh..."-Have a great day!
• "What type of classes do I have to take?"-Well every student has to take the core cirriculum, which consists of courses such as history, governement, english, ect. "But what if I don't want to take those classes?"-Then you won't get a degree. "Oh, well why not?"
• "I have a 750 on my SAT, can I get a scholarship at your school?"-Well probably not. Our min. SAT score just for automatic admission is such and such, and our average SAT score last year was around this-and-that. "So what your saying is I can't get a scholarship?" -Probably not...
• "I won 1st place in my school's robotics competition, and I have a 1450 on SAT...do I stand a chance at being admitted?"-Welcome to your new home kid!
• "Yall have medical?"-Ummm, medical what exactly? That's a broad range when you're talking about degree programs. Can you be more specific? "You know, like medical stuff?"-Sadly no I am not familiar with 'medical stuff'.
• "What type of classes should I take to better-prepare myself for your school's pre-med program?-*silently screaming praise Jesus, finally a good question!!!!* Well, usually students prepare themselves for a pre-med program by taking higher-level math courses, such as calculus, and AP biology, chemistry, and perhaps anatomy and physiology? That would definitely be a good place to start. "Oh okay, that's great to know! I have heard your university has a great sciences school and pre-med program, I am really interested!"-*gaining every ounce of composure not to bear-hug this student* That's wonderful, I am so glad to hear it! So you're interested in going to medical school after your bachelors degree? What specialization are you looking to go into?"-Vaginacology "-*stumped speechless, trying to hold onto any composure I can muster* Ummm, excuse me, you mean gynocology, correct? "Yeah, that's what I said, vaginacology"-Wow, ummmm, that isn't right. Be careful on how you word that...

I will give you a minute to gather yourself and change underpants...3-2-1...times up! Sadly, this is all 100% true. The best part of being on the road is when you are gathered with AC's/recruiters from other schools at a local bar or restaurant after a night fair trading stories back and forth. We could seriously come together and write a book...it would instantly be a best seller...Then of course when traveling season dies down, and the events have gone off without a hitch (for the 9th and 10th time that semester), you get to come back to the office, catch up on the bajillion emails you received over the weeks you were gone, and advise prospective students who come in for appointments or a campus tour. I also take the random phone calls that come into our office...I like to say that our student-workers love me, but after the following scenario, I began to question that theory...condensed version as follows:

"No sir, the online FAFSA is not an admissions application...the university cannot give a non-admitted student money...you would need to fill out an admissions application online seperately from the FAFSA...yes sir, you would need to be an admitted student to potentially receive financial aid to our university through the FAFSA...the FAFSA is useless without a current admissions application on file...no the money will not be waiting on you if you do not apply and get admitted to the university...We look for a 2.5...What is a 2.5? It's a GPA sir, yes that is grade point average...between a grade "B" and C" yes sir, but our overall transfer GPA average is typically higher than a 2.5...yes sir our students are very bright...no sir, your GPA is too low...state universities in Texas typically will not admit a student with a GPA below 2.0 from a community college, especially if a student is on probation or suspension...we cannot admit you period if you are on probation...this is a state law sir, yes I'm sure...no you cannot use the same essay for our university that you used for *another school that shall not be named*...no sir, an essay will not help your case if you have over 60 hours & a GPA below 2.0...every university has different admissions standards, yes really...your best option is to retake some courses at your community college to get your GPA up...their (another *mother-ship* system-school) transfer GPA is a 2.25, so no they probably won't admit you either...it sounds like you need to retake some classes at your community college...sir I'm pretty sure there are plenty of classes you can retake to get your GPA up if it's below a 2.0, yes that's grade point average..."

And of course, the various classics:

• "I don't think it's right for you base an admission decision off of a student's previous academic history!" (Dude, what else are we going to base it on?!?! Moron...)
• "I've taken College Algebra for my associates and I'm looking to transfer into your engineering school, that math class should be good enough to transfer right?"-Well usually no, the core math requirements for any engineering student is typically accelerated calculus (aka "Bill Gates-Genius" calculus) 1 and 2. Beyond that there are required upper-level physics and engineering courses that require cal. 1 and 2 as pre-requisites. You should stay at your community college and get through calculus before transfering over. "I don't understand, is engineering a lot of calculus and physics?" (*DING DING DING* We have a winner!!!)
• "I am a restaurant/hotel management major at *dirt-farmers-u*, how will my classes transfer to your school?"-Well, since we don't have a RHM major at our school, they will most likely be elective credit or non-transferable at all. "So my classes won't transfer to your RHM program?" (Am I speaking friggin Greek?)-Again, no our university does not have a RHM program. Try *mean green-u*, they have a great RHM program. "Aren't yall the same?"-If we were the same, would we have two different universities with different names and programs? "Oh, but yall are both the color green?" (Thank you again, Captain Obvious...)
• "I can't get a transcript from one of my previous schools, so I just didn't list it on my application."-Well, it is listed on your latest transcript, so you will need to get it in if you want to register for classes in time for Fall. "What if I don't? How would anyone know?"-Because I have magicial and official access to your records, I will then make a note in your file, you will have committed academic fraud, you will be kicked out of school, its goes on your permanent record as a felony, our university could potentially lose its accredidation and funding, and thousands upon thousands of students' degrees will be null and void. "Oh, so I should probably get that transcript huh?"-Yes, that would be a great idea for all of us...

And parents, oh they are so special...

• "I just don't understand why my son was denied?! He's #1 in his class! He should be admitted and get the valedictorian's scholarship based on that alone!"-Ma'am, your son has an 18 on ACT and is home schooled...not only is he first in his class, he's also last. His test score is below par (26 comp.) and GPA is relavent for home-schooled and private-schooled applicants. "I just don't understand that, he's very smart! I wrote him a recommendation letter!" Ma'am, rec. letters from parents are invalid for our admissions process. That would be like my mother writing me a recommendation letter stating that I am the princess of Monocco and should marry Prince William. "Well, you people just don't understand intellegence!" (apparently, she doesn't either...)
• "I would like to know the status of my son's application." I apologize ma'am, but your son is over the age of 18 and falls under the privacy laws of FERPA. We cannot release any information regarding a student's application to anyone other than the student. "And why not?! I am his Mother!"-Again I am sorry, but legally he is considered an adult and legally I am really not allowed to give you any information regarding his file. "He's in school?! He doesn't have time to call you!"-Ma'am, our office closes at 6 PM, he has plenty of time to call after school gets out. And since his high school is about, ooooooohhh, 2 miles from our campus, he could easily come to our office after school. "Well that's just too hard on him! You can't expect him to do all of this on his own?!"-Ma'am, if he is going to be the one going to school here, he has to live and go to class on his own. Parents cannot live, go to class, take the tests, get through the classes for the students. There's a certain amount of responsibility a university expects out of potential students. He is 18, he is legally considered an adult, he will need to take care of it. "Well, you people are just no help to your students!" (Yes, we should be there every second to wipe their little bottoms too...give me a break...)
• -(after trying to talk reason into this crazy woman for a good 15-20 minutes) "I just don't understand why my daughter was denied. She got into a,b,c,d,e schools (all private schools or schools with more lax admission standards) but not yours! Just based on her admission other places you should admit her! After all, yall are JUST a 'local' school? Why are you trying to be so selective? I want you to be honest with me!"-(oh lordy, that lady had NO idea what she was requesting of this AC...) You really want me to be completely honeset ma'am? "Yes I do!"-Okay...First of all, don't ever assume you know everything about a university. Ours is a Teir 1 institution with internationally recognized researched programs, some of the highest acceptance rates into med/pharmacy/dental/PA/law schools in the state, top 10-ranked programs in the nation, and is #1 in SAT score averages out of all public universities in the state. Second, it may not be the best idea for you to blatantly insult a school in which your daughter was denied and you're trying to argue her case. And if we are just a 'local' school that you're being so non-chalant about, why are you so adamant about her being admitted?  She has been accepted to other pretty good schools, its not like she is void of options. Third, your daughter's application didn't even come close to our average test score and GPA/class-ranking averages. And lastly, just because a school is 'local' in terms of geographical location and region doesn't mean that its exactly 'easy' to be admitted. Harvard University is considered quote-unquote local to residents in/near Cambridge, MA...doesn't mean that everyone can go to Harvard. Does that clear it up? *dead silence*-Ma'am, are you there? "I...I...I think that we'll just consider the other schools that accepted her."-That sounds like a great idea, and it sounds like she has other good options, one of those schools is my alma mater, she will love it. Have a great day!

For a sarcastic and blunt person as myself, you have NO EARTHLY IDEA just HOW hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut on a daily basis...this job has been the greatest test of my patience, but I have grown from and gained more than enough experience over the years to fill over half a page of my resume. I have literally done and said it all in this profession (some stuff I shouldn't have said, but damnit it made an impact), and it only makes me THAT much more excited about going back to school. Oh masters' degree, how I loooooooooong for thee...in due time, in due time. :)