Weddings and marriage...yeah, I'm going there

Yet another couple of facts to reveal about myself...

My name is Leanne, I have been engaged three times, and I am a professional bridesmaid. *(everyone in droll unison says) HI LEANNE* I will give you a moment to let out that stifled laugh because I know for a fact that you find these facts both sad and humorous....and you know what? I'm cool with that! But I will go ahead and clear the air with the three engagements part: 1st engagement was to Chris, sweet guy, met him while I was working at Texas Roadhouse, he was six years older than me, lived in Ohio, strict Catholic, wanted me to be a housewife, I was young and stupid, but I wised

up and ended it before the actual planning really got started. Too much potential for disaster there...engagement #2 was to John, AKA the jackhole I went into some detail about in my previous posts. Liar, cheater, completely self-absorbed, control-freak, borderline emotionally abusive, momma's boy, and overall just a complete asshole. He actually dumped me, claiming that he wasn't in love with me anymore (magically after one afternoon of golf) and wasn't ready to get married/settle down, but low and behold he married his lab partner about a year later and they now have a beautiful baby boy. And another thing...his sister was a diamond dealer, and quite frankly my ring was tiny and crap...dude, really? Kiss my ass cheapskate...And finally as the saying goes, 3rd times the charm, #3 was to my wonderfully intelligent goober of a soul-mate Brian. Two disasters and by far the biggest rock ever later, I finally got it right! (Big guy knows me all too well, he's good *wink*) If anything, I can say that I learned exactly what does NOT make the good workings of a healthy relationship.

And sadly, yes I am a self-proclaimed professional bridesmaid. I was in six weddings before I was actually a bride (the expression 'always a bridesmaid and never a bride' was usually brought up...hardy har friggin har blue-haired old ladies...), my sisters up-coming wedding with be #7 (#2 for her), and my good friend Jenny's will be # 8. So on the positive side, it is nowhere near Katherine Heigel in "27 Dresses" professional, but still, it's not exactly a few either. Part of the reason I was asked to be a bridesmaid so many times is that I picked up a lot of knowledge and info from helping my sister in her wedding-planning days, so I usually tried to be a good source when it came to flowers, decor, dresses, venues, ect. Only 1 or 2 of the weddings I was like "Really? You're asking me?", the rest I was truly honored. Others, I was the voice of reason for the raging Bridezilla...well, somewhat...sister's first wedding? Damn...she would have won the award! Imagine a half-makeuped, towel stuck in the front of a big ballgown dress, red-faced, tears streaming down, screaming/cursing at the florist over a flower arrangement, and in front of the church pastor and youth minister no less, being grabbed by the arm(s) by my mother and grandmother and thrown into the nearest bathroom to calm her down. It was so bad that I had to go to the (Baptist church) parking lot, in the middle of the Texas summer, dressed in my dress/heels, find my hidden bottle of Jim Beam in the trunk of my car, take a couple swigs, and crank up the radio for a few minutes just to deal with the psychoness. That should have been her first indication, but I supported her the whole way...thankfully Scott is a great guy, can talk sense into my sister (which is a feat in itself sometimes), and this wedding is going to be MUCH easier on her! (I'm tellin you, destination wedding is THE WAY to go!) Luckily most of the dresses were on the prettier side than not...minus one infamous dress for my cousin's wedding. Sorry Brittany, I love you to pieces, but after 5+ years I can now say that the dress was awful!! You know how for any girl that has ever been a bridesmaid, they have at least 'that one' dress that still gives you nightmares? This was definitely it...pepto-bismal pink (on a dark-skinned/eyed brunette? Really?!), A-line, taffetta/chiffon overlay, with stacked chiffon ruffles starting from the wait and going all the way down the skirt. It looked like an old-lady lampshade...and literally lit up like one. Other cousin Lisa bought light-up shoes as a "joke", and once the lights were turned off, the whole skirt of that dress lit up like a reading light at midnight. And what made it worse, the jewelry was over-sized pastel-pink pearl earrings/necklace/bracelet.  I will flat-out say that I am NOT a fan of pink! It's cute and perfectly acceptable on little baby girls, fair-skinned/light-haired folks, the occassional trendy/metro or gay guy, and for Mary Kay cosmetics, but that's where I draw the line! You will not find one pink item in this brunette's wardrobe, you can count on that. *SIGH* The things you do for family and friends you love...

Speaking of the family and friends you love so dearly, sometimes you just have to say exactly what's on your mind just so people will just leave you the hell alone. Granted I love my saint of a grandmother on Daddy's side to the ends of the earth, but to say that she was upset when I told her we weren't getting married in the Baptist church in my podunk hometown is the understatement of the century. And for an obvious disclaimer, and to put aside any rumors, we weren't deliberately trying to piss off everyone, or quote-unquote 'discriminate' again East Texas folks, there were just no venues that a.) would be convenient and affordable, b.) would allow booze, and c.) wouldn't be a complete redneck-trashy hole in the wall. Plus the groom's side would be driving from the San Antonio area...which was a whole other drawer of crooked forks...NO. THANK. YOU...it really got out of control when both sides seemed to be planning our wedding without our consent and/or input. For example, this is the conversation I had with my mother: "Okay then, I'll call the church to book the sanctuary and fellowship hall, Jena can do the flowers, we can go look for dresses at CW Boutique, and we can do BBQ for the catering, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...." Oh, and my mother in law, geez..."You guys are going to get married in Fredericksburg right? Have you scheduled any marriage counseling with a priest? I'll look into the fairgrounds and catering at Ye Kendal Inn, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...." AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! After checking

prices on venues in DFW (only because that was the last compromise I could think of at the time), and being pulled in so many directions on both sides of the family with "expectations" if you will, Brian and I finally had enough. We were doing honeymoon research, and found out that if you stay so many nights in a certain category room, Sandals resorts basically throw in a wedding for free. We said screw it, booked it, just our families came (despite the objections) and it was anything and everything we ever could have dreamed of and more. Big guy's parents were more hesitant at first than mine (their reaction was 'Hell yeah! When do we fly out??'), but they were instantly won over once the hostess handed them a glass of champagne upon arrival to the resort. Plus it was 85 degrees every single day we were there, and in the middle of January no less! It was perfect, and you know what? Everyone got over it! *wink*

First comes love, then comes marriage...right?? Oh marriage...oh the wedding...the amount of stress, time, and especially money that goes into weddings these days is just beyond ridiculous. Being the realistic person that I am, my main thought is "THAT much money and effort?? For ONE DAY??!! What in the HELL are these people thinking???!!!!" I always think back to a quote from the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when I hear the actual price tag on weddings: "DAD?! You would rather go broke than insult anyone from the church??!" And what's sad is that has become such a true staple in the wedding planning process...people will literally spend their life savings for this big gargantuan wedding that to be honest, in the end at least two people are going to pissed off and unhappy about SOMETHING. Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior could come down from heaven, plan the perfect wedding, and one atheist guest would be angry because it was a Christian ceremony. #1 rule of thumb to remember in wedding planning: Do what YOU want, because you can't please everyone. According to moneyunder30.com, the average wedding in 2010 costs around $29,000 dollars....holy *&@#$% that is more than my first brand new car?! This apparently includes cost of the dress (don't even get me started on that...these crazy broads dropping 5 and 10K on a dress they wear one time?? That's at least 10 car payments honey, don't do it!!) as well?! WTF??!! Ladies, there are plenty of beautiful, cost-efficient dresses and shops out there, do your research! Total costs for my wedding was around $8K. I didn't stutter, I said t-o-t-a-l price. That included my dress (which I bought at a consignment store...it was a discontinued sample Casablanca, normally around $1,200, I got it for $500 and it STILL had the designer tags on it), plane tickets, our 7-night stay in Antigua, wedding cake, reception, officiant, marriage license, and getting my hair done at the resort. Attention about-to-be newly-weds! Do yourself a favor, do the smart thing! Take the money, put a down payment on a nice house, put the rest towards your honeymoon, and give everyone else the finger. If you're bound to not please everyone, then think of yourselves and not go over your heads in debt over ONE day! After all, in the end its all about you anyway.

And just as an FYI, there is NO rule that says you are supposed to immediately pop out kids after getting married!! It really is okay for you to try and meet your educational and/or career goals before reproducing. And if anything else, just enjoy being married for a while ya know?? Don't let ANYONE pressure you, and if there are other obligations that make you think twice after your baby-clock starts ringing, FULFILL THE OBLIGATIONS FIRST. Kids don't make a marriage any easier or better, but when the time is right and appropriate, only YOU TWO will know and only YOU TWO can make that decision, and only at that time will your life be fulfilled with God's blessing of a little one or two. Simple as that! I constantly get grief from friends and family back home that big guy and I don't have kids yet, and my folks are chomping at the bit for a grandchild. Dad swears that he is never going to be a Grandpa, and last time Mom started giving me a hard time, I told her that if they were so hard-pressed to be grand parents, they should adopt a kid or get a puppy, and get off my back. Grad school first!!! The next week, they came home with spoiled-rotten Rocky. I think they got the message? Back off people, your East Texas is showing!

Out of my years of cohabitation and being the interpersonally in-depth person I am, I can offer some of the following golden rules for a healthy marriage:

• Trust, trust, and more unending trust is absolutely required
• Be yourself, inside and out, all the time
• Respect your spouse and their feelings/desires/opinions
• Be confident in their knowledge, skills and abilities
• Your spouse is not going to share ALL of your interests, and vice versa. It really is okay to do things separately to maintain your identity as a unique individual
• Be fair in both time with each other and apart
• Keep separate checking accounts, but maintain one mutual savings account. Couples fight about money and "where it goes" more than anything else
• Establish budgets and financial responsibility early, such as who will pay which bills.
• Pick your battles, and carefully at that. Some things just are not worth getting into.
• Find a communication style that works for both of you
• It is okay to bicker with your significant other
• You don't always have to agree on things, but at least come to a compromise
• There will be fights, it's how you resolve them that matters
• If in a fight, take a few minutes away from each other to gather yourselves and be reasonable before coming back together for a resolution
• Establish household responsibilities, and don't be afraid to help or pick up the slack
• Don't ever go to bed angry at each other, neither of you will sleep well and it makes for a testy and grumpy morning
• Purchase a king size bed, its one of the best investments for both of you
• Acknowledge and praise your spouse on things well done, promotions, recognitions, ect.
• Compliment them, a little goes a long way
• Always, always say thank you
• Take the time at the end of the day to ask about each other's day
• Always kiss goodnight
• Always say "I love you" before you/they walk out the door
• Pray together
• Never miss an opportunity to laugh and joke with each other
• Talk to each other, like actually talk
• Pay attention to non-verbal behavior
• A random hug or kiss never hurts
• Never forget the reasons why you fell in love in the first place
• Leave your day-to-day problems from work/school at the door, it doesn't matter at the end of the day

Most of these can go hand-in-hand and are bits of common sense for the halfway-intellegent/. Now, some advice for the ladies and the gents:

Ladies-->

• Unless he offers, don't ever ever drag your guy shopping with you. There are million things he would rather be doing than trying not to tell you that that dress makes you look fat and you crying afterwards...you know it does, so why even ask? He had a hard enough time shopping for your ring, give him that.
• Let your guy have his "guy-time", it's only fair. He is allowed to sit on the couch in his underwear, drink beer and watch baseball from time to time. It would be the pot calling the kettle black if you said otherwise, you know you sit on the couch, in your pj's, with a glass of wine and watch chick-flicks when he's not around...don't deny it *wink*
• If you try to keep your guy on a super-short leash, he will eventually put up a fight. If you claim that you 110% trust him, then it really is okay to let him venture out with his friends. And to all the stuck-up prudes out there, going to the strip club with the guys every once in a while really is okay. He sees your boobs every day, and if he knows what's good for him (in more ways than one) he will gladly and willingly still appreciate yours at the end of the night. It is no different than you having a girls night out at LeBare, get over yourselves!
• Do not, I repeat DO NOT burn up his phone with calls/texts/voice-mails unless it is an emergency. He has a job and a social life too, leave him be.
• Let him have his vices. He is not going to give up sports, ESPN, fantasy baseball, the Xbox or PS3, beer, or being perverted. Am I going to give up my True Blood books, cosmos or chick-flicks? Hell no! Why should you ask the same of him?
• Do not ever try to hold a conversation with him when he is watching any game of any sort. He will not listen, nor will he care while the game is on the line. Wait till a commercial, or after it is over. Sidebar: you can definitely have his undivided attention if you bring him a beer and tell him whatever you have to say at the same time.
• Let him have a man-cave. He'll be much happier with a retreat space that is all his own with all his stuff.
• He is a guy. He is going to belch, fart, grope you when no one is looking, be gross in general, not pick his clothes up, not willingly wear pastels, refuse to throw away his old-holey t shirts/boxers, talk a bunch of crap that he doesn't mean, leave his beer cans on the coffee table, and generally do "guy-things" that make you want to vomit. This is where picking your battles come in...fuss at him for leaving the beer cans out and not picking up his dirty underwear (he does eventually learn, I promise), and/or won't throw away the ratty t shirts and boxers, but if he lets one rip when it's just you two at home, let it slide. You can make him a little less disgusting, and they will want to clean up to please you, but don't push your limits.
• Men are a lot smarter and more sensitive than given credit for. They do listen, they do pay attention, they are indeed insecure, and they too need constant reassurance. But once they're reassured, they're good, so don't be clingy.
• He is a creature of habit, get used to it.
• He will occasionally glance at other women, he has a penis, it is engrained in his DNA, he cannot help it. If a woman with a big set of double-D's and a 28-inch waist walked past you in a low-cut tank-top, you would look too.
• Don't you dare subject that poor man to floral or pastel anything, especially in your bedroom. He is a man, he does not want to sleep on/under a sea of pastel roses and ribbon. There are plenty of colors and designs than can cross both the masculine/feminine lines of decor.
• They will not change, come hell or high water. Make sure you know exactly what you're getting into before diving in head first. Best scare tactic/reality check? Take a tour of a fraternity house on a random Friday or Sunday afternoon, you'll gain some perspective.

Gents-->

• Girls will talk about you to their girlfriends. Don't expect anything to be kept a secret.
• The sister and or BFF will come to town, so expect to be ignored during that time. Its not personal.
• We can be just as perverted as guys.
• Shower often, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, clean up/throw away your mess, and put the seat down. It is all greatly appreciated and we will thank you for it.
• Do yourself a favor and ditch the holey shirts/boxers. When *ahem* covered parts begin to show, it's time to retire.
• Sometimes women just want to b*tch about their problems. We aren't expecting you to fix it or give us advice, we just want to let it out.
• Some girls like beer too, don't sell us short. 
• Our daddies are our heroes. They will hunt you down. 
• It's totally fine for you to have friends that are girls, just establish rules and trust on both sides
• We do not dig the old college bedspread, the beer signs, or your life-size poster of Jenna Jameson being in plain sight when the parentals come to visit, or anytime for that matter. Compromise on a man-cave, or toss it.
• Sometimes we really do have headaches and just aren't in the mood. We're not being stingy with the goods, you're still the macho sex-machine, promise.
• Let us have our True Blood books/dvd's and Harry Potter movie-thons. It's only fair. 
• We appreciate honesty, and we will listen.
• Flowers are always welcomed, no reason needed. 
• It is okay for us to not like your friends/parents/siblings, ect. Out of respect, we will be cordial and spend time with them if need-be or if the occasion calls for it. On the same notion, please do the same for us.

The book titled "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" cannot be any more accurate. Both sexes are complex individuals that requires an ample amount of work, communication, trust, and of course love to make a relationship between two people work from day-to-day. I never have and never will claim to be an expert on relationships and marriage, but after going through some of the bullsh*t I've gone through and being the realistic and practical person I am, I will say that I am smarter than the average female bear and have learned many lessons over the years. The main thing I can say when you know you've found the right person, you just know, but you can't live on love alone. Pennies for your thoughts :)