Dumb phone conversation, take #2...damn I'm glad I only have two days left!

As my time draws closer and closer to the end of my time as an admissions counselor, I find my "filter" wearing thinner and thinner by the day. Sadly, I have gotten to the point where I just quite frankly don't give a damn about anyone that is wrapped up in their own kind of stupid and own ideas of how things "should be" and thinks that my job is to wipe they're butt and tell them it's all going to be okay. Especially procrastinators! I'm not your momma, nor do I ever want to be, so put on your big-kid undies and deal with it. I steal an expression from someone unknown speaker with more wit than myself, "a lack of knowledge and preperation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." This is becoming obvious by things that are literally falling out of my mouth. Latest insults have consisted of the following: dumbass, twat-faced little prick (he knew he deserved it), "you are not a charity case, nor are you special, you just waited until the last minute", "Kid, you have a 1.6 GPA and are on probation from Texas A&M. My name is not Jesus, performing miracles is not part of my job description. You cannot and will not be admitted. Go to a community college, that is your ONLY option at this point", so on and so forth...

Most of my readers usually like these recollections of conversations, so I'm throwing yall a bone here. The premise is an "international" student who was recently kicked out of *insert certain private university located in Dallas* and couldn't understand why he couldn't "just come to our university." Dialouge is as follows:

• Me-Enrollment Services, this is Leanne. Can I help you sir?
• Student-*sounding like Apu from the Simpsons...no I do not want a slushee* Yes, I have questions about transfering to your university.
• Me-Okay no problem, I can certainly help you with that.
• Student-*hesitant* Uh, I need to speak with an 'official' admissions counselor. My situation is very specific. Is there a gentelman I can speak with?
• Me-*dramatically rolling my eyes and wanting to vomit...sexist pig* Actually sir, I am an 'official' admissions counselor, and the rest of our staff is currently in training sessions for the rest of the day and every day this week. This includes my supervisor, Mr. Sanchez. So no one else is available but myself. I can assist you or you will have to call back next week.
• Student-*hesistant, again*-Okay, I 'guess' I can talk to you...I am interesting in transfering to your university for Computer Science. I am currently at *insert certain private university located in Dallas*, but was recently academically suspended due to some family problems and an assault warrant. I want to come to your university in the fall to finish my degree.
• Me-Well sir, that is going to be difficult for you. Any state university in Texas, by law, cannot admit students who are currently on any type of probation or suspension. If you are wanting to transfer here, you will need to either get back in good standing with your current institution, or attend a community college first. Plus the application deadline had passed anyway, and at this point there is no guarantee we could make an admission decision in time. Also, most classes are already full. Either way, we cannot, by law, admit you.
• Student-*getting irritated* Well I just don't understand that. Is there just a fee I can pay to bypass the policy? Why would I have to fill out an application? Do I have to turn in a current transcript for the admission process. When (again, he said "when") I'm admitted can I just ask the professor for permission to be in the class? Quite frankly I don't see why you can't just let me in since I am a student at (in a snobbish manner) *insert certain private university located in Dallas* Your university is second rate to mine, so based on that alone I should just be able to take classes.
• Me-*gritting my teeth and trying not to reach through the phone to choke the guy*-The reason why every new student has to fill out an application is because it is a.) mandatory, and b.) the state and university, again by law, needs an official record of every student that is admitted and takes classes at the university. Professors cannot hold spots in their classes, this is university policy. Once it's full, it's full. And yes, you would be required to submit both an application AND an official transcript for the admissions process. If you don't, we can't make a decision without it. Plus, witholding certain academic information is considered academic fraud, which a felony, and could potentially cause the university to lose it's accredidation. Therefore, literally thousands upon thousands of students degrees, including my husband's, would then be null, void, and useless. Also, our university is NOT second rate, as you so eloquently put it. It was actually founded by one of the top, multi-billion dollar technical companies in the entire world. We still have extremely close ties with that company, which offers us millions of dollars in research grants and funds. YOUR university, however, does not receive such types of grants and fundings. Our engineering and computer science graduates on average start out with yearly salaries of 60-70 thousand a year. And quite frankly sir, it doesn't matter if a student is coming from a community college or MIT, poor academic standing is poor academic standing, that's it. Again, because you are on suspension from your most recent institution, our university, much any other state university in Texas, absolutely cannot admit you. And a word of advice, it isn't a good idea to refer to a university in which you are trying to admitted to as second rate, especially to an admissions official.
• Student-That is ludicrous (oooooo, BIG words!). I just understand WHY you can't make an exception for me? Is there any way I can appeal this and fight for myself?
• Me-Sir, state policy is state policy. I could lose my job over making an exception just for you (like I care, I have two days left, but he didn't know that), and as said before, the university could potentially lose it's accrediation, funding, and cause many students degrees to be null and void. Honestly, no one in their right mind is going to take on the state of Texas and its' policies on their own. It's set in stone and their for a reason. We are just not going to accept students with sub-par academic history, especially if they have been kicked out of school. Hypothetically if we were to make one exception, we would have to make exceptions for everyone. And plus we are not a private university, nor a community college. Admission standards and policies are concrete, we can't make case-by-case decisions. You could try another private university  or a local community college to see if they will  make an exception, but we can't because our standards and expecations are much higher than sub-par.
• Student-*long pause* Well...thanks for nothing I guess...
• Me-*smug and smiling* You're certainly welcome! Have a great day!

It's a miracle I haven't been featured on "Snapped" yet...cheers to going back to school! :)

First official rant...bad wife and a gold-digger? You talkin' to me &*#$?!

This post is just more about me both defending myself, my husband, clearing the air, and defusing any ugly rumors or comments to people who just quite frankly have nothing better to do with themselves than talk crap about others out of spite and jealousy...

In all sense of disclosure, I generally (as yall have probably determined) that I usually don't give a damn what people think about me. I've been accused of everything under the sun (just about), been called every derogatory word in the dictionary (Webster's and Urban), and also had a few pour souls that have tried to walk all over me....who in turn, immediately regretted it. Vast majority of the time, I usually just laugh it off and let it all just roll off the duck's back because it's usually so ridiculous and not even worth the stress or effort...and they're left embarrassed, looking like a complete asshole, and attempting to clean the toe-jam out of their mouth after they've taken their foot out. Also, I can take a joke and being given a hard time, as long as it's all in good fun. Hell, I'll even play along and fire right back! However, there are some instances that are just plain rude, inexcusable, and not cool to joke about, and I will NOT tolerate it. The next person who calls me a "bad wife" and or a "gold-digger" in poor taste will get a piece of my mind and the star of Texas/Stephen F. Austin State University permanently imprinted on their face from my fierce right-hook. I know who I am, and I married for love and all the right reasons, NOT for money.Yes I am going back to school full-time to work on a post-bac degree in the fall, yes I am still planning on going to grad school afterwards, no I am not working full-time while going back to school, yes my husband is supporting me, yes he is successful and does well for himself, no I certainly did not marry him for his money (it's a pretty standard salary in the IT industry), no I am not in a hurry to pump out babies "just because", yes he can go out with his friends wherever he damn wells pleases pretty much any time he wants, no I am NOT a bad wife for "letting him" do what he wants, and yes you can kiss my ass. Loving, supportive husband that only wants me to be happy and do what's best for me, which in turn is best for us and when we start a family? Well, shouldn't I just be condemned to hell?! Please...give me a break, just so I can think of a proper insult for such ignorant people.

For anyone with a bachelors degree of the liberal arts nature, it's pretty well-known that you need at least a master's degree to move up/get promoted in anything that you do. Otherwise, unless you're a teacher, your professional options are slim outside of sales and being an admissions counselor (which I don't recommend for more than a year or two). Big Guy's degree is in Computer Science, he is an Adobe certified software developer for a Fortune 500 company, fantastic at what he does, and can move up fairly easily in his industry with just a bachelors degree since it is more specialized. With a BA in Psychology? What can you do? Unfortunately, I know too many college graduates that are still servers and bartenders...Sadly, I am one of those college grads with a liberal arts degree and (as of right now) stuck in the same profession with no room for opportunity. Yes I am perfectly aware that there are plenty of people out there that work full-time while going back to school, but you know what? It takes them a million years to finish a graduate degree that traditionally only takes about two to complete. During that time, they wear themselves almost to the breaking point because they are spreading themselves so thin. Possible? Yes...Ideal and time-efficient? Not at all. Now, am I personally bashing those working students? Absolutely not! My parents were both working students while sister and I were growing up, and hey, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and make the best of your situation. Really, kudos to them for spreading their time and energy to do so, especially those with families, and if I absolutely had to do the same, I would do the same. On the other-hand, I was constantly reminded what a financial and emotional burden it can be while trying to juggle a job, school, AND a family. So you know what? I am going do myself, my husband, and my future-children a beneficial favor. I am going to do something (apparently) unheard of, and go back to school full-time to finish graduate school before starting a family. And you know what else Tonto?! THERE ISN'T A DAMN THING WRONG WITH THAT!!! There, I said it! Students from all over the world, at all schools, do it ALL the time, every day, and life goes on. So to those that are bashing me for doing things in the sensible order, and taking advantage of the prime opportunity my Lord has blessed me with? Get over yourselves, seriously. It doesn't make me any less of a hard-working student if I am going full-time, so you can take that self-righteous attitude and shove it.

When Brian and I met/dated/got married, quite frankly with his specializations, certifications, talents, and experience, he wasn't making nearly as much as he should have been. But of course, with the still-recovering economy and the stiff job-market, he was doing the best he could at the time. We were on a tight budget yes, but we were still plenty-able to pay our bills and have a little at the end to blow (hence how I got such a bad-ass engagement ring). And by NO means do we live a life of luxury with a mansion in Highland Park and drive Mercedes and BMW's! We live in a 3-bedroom house in Richardson, I drive a Nissan, hubs drives a Honda, and we drink $7 wine. We both knew that we would eventually seek graduate degrees, especially before having children, because it would be a necessity as we both got older and wanted to potentially move up the ladder in our careers. Yes a career is important to me, so hide your East Texas urges to tell me that I should be ashamed for not starting a family right away. In retrospective, we both knew that it would probably be me first, and we both worried just how it could be reasonably done. Not long after that, Big-Guy put his resume out on a couple sites, received calls that afternoon and the next day, had scheduled interviews by the next week, and was offered his current job about two weeks later. God definitely blessed us with his new job, because financially the pay-raise he received pretty-much evened the financial scale of what it would have been with both of our salaries...yes, I make THAT little working for the glorious state of Texas...it was one of those moments where you count your blessings, don't question, and start making plans. I plan on pursuing a masters degree in Industrial/Organization Psychology, which is one of the top, prime, and most hire-able professions right now and in the foreseeable future. It ranks up their with actuarial science and telecommunications engineering. So yeah, I'm doing right by myself, Big-Guy and our future-family. From a financial stand-point, and the all-time important "starting a family" stand-point, it made more sense for me to go back to school first. With the still-recovering economy, and the fact that I have years of real-world-work experience after my first bachelors degree, it makes the most sense for me to finish ASAP, start working, and pay off a big chunk of my loans before popping out little blue-eyed, brunette, half-breed Germans. *wink*

The "gold-digger" accusation doesn't infuriate me NEARLY as much as someone calling me anything remotely close to a bad wife. Just as I know what I am, I know what I am not, and I am not a bad wife. Never, ever, EVER make that reference to my face, much less behind my back. I love my husband, yes he gets honey-do lists, yes I put him to work sometimes, but he is also a grown man and I respect him and his interests outside of our marriage. To all these crazy wives that don't let their hubbies leave the house without them, call/text every ten minutes, order them around, send their best-men emails about "your" preferences for the bachelor party, treat them like little kids, regulate their social life, force them to run errands and go shopping with you, whine/bitch/moan/cry/guilt-trip when they want to have a guy's night or get away from your plate of bat-sh*t crazy, and just flat-out treat them like crap and make them do things they would rather not do, refer yourself to the "mental health" section of the yellow pages, because you need a therapist to discuss your spreadsheet-list of issues in yourself and your relationship views.Your are not his mother, he is not a little boy, accept that now. He is a grown man, an individual, and needs his personal space. Now that doesn't mean he doesn't unconditionally love and care for you, he just needs time to be a guy, just like you need time to be a chick. Remember the tips in the last post? Yeah, guys are pack-like in nature, due to testosterone-driven need for acceptance and dominance among other like-minded males. The fact that I respect that individuality and need for time away (because I sure as hell need it too), and don't order my husband around like a unruly child, does NOT make me a bad wife! In fact, he respects me MORE for showing him said respect, and it's a mutually understood concept. I do my things with my girl-friends every once in a while, he does the same with his guy-friends every once in a while. Sometimes I just need to go shopping for a couple hours, sometimes he just needs to get out of the house and go to the local bar to watch the Cowboys/Rangers. Does that make us weird, abnormal, and unhappy? NO! We are still madly in love, I still clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, feed the dog, keep up the house and finances, and keep my man COMPLETELY satisfied, all while holding a full-time job and social life. Just like me-he works full-time, does all the yard-work and occasional small handy-work, takes charge as king of the grill, takes care of the mortgage, remembers important dates, all while making time for his friends and treating me right. *wink* He knows where his bread is buttered, the un-ending trust is 100% mutual, he's smarter than the average bear, and definitely knows his limitations as a respectful married man. He comes home at a reasonable hour, doesn't blow all his money on frivolous crap, brushes off other women, speaks highly of me, never does anything to question my trust and respect for him, and describes me as quote-unquote a "cool wife." The literal sense of being his "ball and chain" is not appealing to the good guys out there...so sue me that we have a healthy marriage and I don't feel the need to chain him down. I am a damn good wife, my man is happy, I am happy, and who is anyone else to judge what they know nothing about but wish they had? Pennies for your thoughts...

Unsuccessful interaction with a public service worker...

This is actually a previous Facebook note that I posted a couple months ago, but since not all my readers are FB friends, I figured I would share this humorous event. (if I don't know you or haven't met you in real life, you are not going to get a friend-acceptance from me, sorry, it's nothing personal, I just don't like potential FB creepers and stalkers...no offense) In my own defense, I will go ahead and say that this guy totally brought it upon himself. I am usually a very nice person, and will willingly go out of my way to be nice/helpful/easy to work with along as the other person is reciprocating the same courtesy, but I am firm believer in karma and you will get what is coming to you. Working in the restaurant industry for 7+ years in high school and college, along with about 4 years working as an admissions counselor, have given me the equivalent of alligator thick-skin and the highest bullsh*t tolerance level a person such as myself is capable of having. And I really do understand that jobs in the service industry can suck big, fat donkey balls on a regular basis...but you know what Tonto? It's your job, grow up, suck it up, deal with it, smile, and get paid. Your life is not the next Columbine or 9/11 tragedy. I'm just thankful that they have a job and I'm not paying for their welfare and Lone Star card while sporting brand-new Jordan high-tops. (that one's for YOU, Chad Wylie!)

Sister is getting married in Jamaica in a few weeks, and it just dawned on me a couple months ago that I needed to update my passport and get the last name changed. YES I am aware that you have 90 days after a name change to send it in and get it changed for free, NO I did not think about it till recently, but I got it done okay?? Now, please keep in mind the events that had been ensuing not only that week, but that same day: I found out that a college-friend of mine was tragically killed in a car accident (RIP Alex "Trainwreck" Barfield, you are truly missed sweetheart) and was an emotional mess because of it, my phone kept blowing up the entire day with Facebook notifcations/messages/texts/emails/phone calls/voicemails, in the mean time every student/parent I had been talking to that week/day just seemed to be all up in some weird and bat-sh*t crazy (no I cannot create a nursing program for you, we just don't have it, get over yourself), I was trying to seperate my emotions from my workday (which was just virtually impossible and a stressful feat in itself), I was super-stressed about getting my passport processed and sent back in time for Jamaica so sister wouldn't murder me, and on top of everything, I was PMS-ing like a mad-banchee woman. Definitely a recipe for potential disaster, especially with me...all that festered frustration eventually led to an ugly incident involving a public service worker...but he totally deserved it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just snap, and your usual alligator-thick skin can only take so much before it cuts and bleeds? Oh yeah...that day was was my day...the culprit? We shall call him "Dante'" (the name on his name tag started with a 'D' and was crazy-long) from the Richardson post office...he looked a lot like the "hide yo kids, hide yo wife" guy from the "they rapin' errbody up in hur" youtube.com video. Same jacked up teeth, same rubber-neckin' way of communicating, and same awful grammar...*shudder* Nothing pains my ears and irks me more than terrible grammer...anyhoo, after weeks of calling various offices, being told completely different things about forms/identification, "yes we need your office marriage certificate", "no we just need a copy of your drivers license w/the new last name", "no we require a blood sample and your first born child, along with a $110 processing fee", I finally got a hold of an official person in the U.S. Passport Authority Office, found out exactly which documentation and forms I would need to submit, called the local post office to a.) convince that what the USPAO told me was next to the word of God, and b.) schedule an appointment, I told them I would be in the next afternoon to get everything taken care of becuase it was urgent. After gathering all the required documentation, as well as half-jokingly saying to the nice passport man that I would hunt someone down if my marriage license was lost (yall have absolutely NO idea what big guy and I went through to get that stupid official document), he took my picture for no cost (definitely made my list of top favorite people for the day), signed off on everything, and pointed me to what seemed to be the equivalent of a line at Six Flags for the Texas Giant the first week of summer break. Thank you US Postal Service for your attention to quick customer service...NOT!!! After waiting in line for what seemed to be an eternity behind a weird lady that smelled really bad (seriously, at least a half hour), I FINALLY got to the front desk. Events that ensued are as follows:

Dante': (with a scowl and no eye-contact) May I hep ya may'um?
Me: (Sad, irritated, defeated, impatient, but genuinely trying to be nice): Yes thank you, I need a large Priority Mailing Envelope and a money orde--Dante': (abruptly cuts me off) WE DON HAVE NO MONEY ORDUHS MAY'UM!!
Me: (caught off guard, miffed, and falling out of my mouth before I could think) What do you mean *mockingly* YOU DON' HAVE NO MONEY ORDUHS? Is this physical address of the Richardson US Post Office completely void of money orders? Or is it yourself personally that is out of money orders? *theoretically kicking myself, saying 'damnit Leanne' and attempting to take the hypothetical foot out of my mouth*
Dante': (gapping stare, with a 'This b*atch done mocked me!' look on his face) May'um yous gon hafta get back in da line and wait fer ma co-workuh to getchu a money orduh. *points to the other desk, where a STACK of paper money order slips are in plain sight*
Me: There is a full stack of money orders right there *pointing to said stack of money orders in plain sight*, you can't just grab one for me and fill it out here?
Dante: Yous gon hafta get back in line n wait yo turan MA'YUM!
Me:  *getting irritated quickly* You didn't answer my question, SIR!
Dante': *looking at the money order slips, back at me, eye roll, and then attempting to ignore me*
Me: (as my dad says, "done had it at this point" and screaming) HEY! I'm talking to you! WHY do I have to get back in line to wait for a money order when you can walk a whole 3-4 steps to your co-worker's desk and physically pick one up?? I can see that they are in plain sight and don't require a PhD to fill out Bucko!
Dante': May'um yous annoyin me, and fo a white lady I don unnustand whys you jus can't follow derexsons!
Me: (livid, more yelling, and thoroughly annoyed by his awful grammar) What in the hell does me being white have to do with the price of tea in friggin (I like that word) China?! Look asshole, I understand that you think you have the crappiest job in the world but that doesn't mean you can be the world's biggest jerkoff to whomever you damn well please because of it. Get a grammar book and some worth ethic YA BUM!
Dante': Uh....uh....
Me: Yeah, and I hope your rude lazy ass gets an infected paper cut too! *stormed out with a couple whoops, claps and 'YEAH you said it(s)!' from the other poor souls in line*

I'm really not a mean person, honestly, but when driven to the edge of an already emtionally vulnerable day...its not pretty...funny thing was, I didn't realize that I still had the Priority Mailing envelope in my hand and hadn't paid for it until I got back in my car and calmed down. Oops! Apparently no one noticed either...Oh well, I saved $6! Small victories right? IN YO FACE DANTE'! How you like them apples??!

Weddings and marriage...yeah, I'm going there

Yet another couple of facts to reveal about myself...

My name is Leanne, I have been engaged three times, and I am a professional bridesmaid. *(everyone in droll unison says) HI LEANNE* I will give you a moment to let out that stifled laugh because I know for a fact that you find these facts both sad and humorous....and you know what? I'm cool with that! But I will go ahead and clear the air with the three engagements part: 1st engagement was to Chris, sweet guy, met him while I was working at Texas Roadhouse, he was six years older than me, lived in Ohio, strict Catholic, wanted me to be a housewife, I was young and stupid, but I wised

up and ended it before the actual planning really got started. Too much potential for disaster there...engagement #2 was to John, AKA the jackhole I went into some detail about in my previous posts. Liar, cheater, completely self-absorbed, control-freak, borderline emotionally abusive, momma's boy, and overall just a complete asshole. He actually dumped me, claiming that he wasn't in love with me anymore (magically after one afternoon of golf) and wasn't ready to get married/settle down, but low and behold he married his lab partner about a year later and they now have a beautiful baby boy. And another thing...his sister was a diamond dealer, and quite frankly my ring was tiny and crap...dude, really? Kiss my ass cheapskate...And finally as the saying goes, 3rd times the charm, #3 was to my wonderfully intelligent goober of a soul-mate Brian. Two disasters and by far the biggest rock ever later, I finally got it right! (Big guy knows me all too well, he's good *wink*) If anything, I can say that I learned exactly what does NOT make the good workings of a healthy relationship.

And sadly, yes I am a self-proclaimed professional bridesmaid. I was in six weddings before I was actually a bride (the expression 'always a bridesmaid and never a bride' was usually brought up...hardy har friggin har blue-haired old ladies...), my sisters up-coming wedding with be #7 (#2 for her), and my good friend Jenny's will be # 8. So on the positive side, it is nowhere near Katherine Heigel in "27 Dresses" professional, but still, it's not exactly a few either. Part of the reason I was asked to be a bridesmaid so many times is that I picked up a lot of knowledge and info from helping my sister in her wedding-planning days, so I usually tried to be a good source when it came to flowers, decor, dresses, venues, ect. Only 1 or 2 of the weddings I was like "Really? You're asking me?", the rest I was truly honored. Others, I was the voice of reason for the raging Bridezilla...well, somewhat...sister's first wedding? Damn...she would have won the award! Imagine a half-makeuped, towel stuck in the front of a big ballgown dress, red-faced, tears streaming down, screaming/cursing at the florist over a flower arrangement, and in front of the church pastor and youth minister no less, being grabbed by the arm(s) by my mother and grandmother and thrown into the nearest bathroom to calm her down. It was so bad that I had to go to the (Baptist church) parking lot, in the middle of the Texas summer, dressed in my dress/heels, find my hidden bottle of Jim Beam in the trunk of my car, take a couple swigs, and crank up the radio for a few minutes just to deal with the psychoness. That should have been her first indication, but I supported her the whole way...thankfully Scott is a great guy, can talk sense into my sister (which is a feat in itself sometimes), and this wedding is going to be MUCH easier on her! (I'm tellin you, destination wedding is THE WAY to go!) Luckily most of the dresses were on the prettier side than not...minus one infamous dress for my cousin's wedding. Sorry Brittany, I love you to pieces, but after 5+ years I can now say that the dress was awful!! You know how for any girl that has ever been a bridesmaid, they have at least 'that one' dress that still gives you nightmares? This was definitely it...pepto-bismal pink (on a dark-skinned/eyed brunette? Really?!), A-line, taffetta/chiffon overlay, with stacked chiffon ruffles starting from the wait and going all the way down the skirt. It looked like an old-lady lampshade...and literally lit up like one. Other cousin Lisa bought light-up shoes as a "joke", and once the lights were turned off, the whole skirt of that dress lit up like a reading light at midnight. And what made it worse, the jewelry was over-sized pastel-pink pearl earrings/necklace/bracelet.  I will flat-out say that I am NOT a fan of pink! It's cute and perfectly acceptable on little baby girls, fair-skinned/light-haired folks, the occassional trendy/metro or gay guy, and for Mary Kay cosmetics, but that's where I draw the line! You will not find one pink item in this brunette's wardrobe, you can count on that. *SIGH* The things you do for family and friends you love...

Speaking of the family and friends you love so dearly, sometimes you just have to say exactly what's on your mind just so people will just leave you the hell alone. Granted I love my saint of a grandmother on Daddy's side to the ends of the earth, but to say that she was upset when I told her we weren't getting married in the Baptist church in my podunk hometown is the understatement of the century. And for an obvious disclaimer, and to put aside any rumors, we weren't deliberately trying to piss off everyone, or quote-unquote 'discriminate' again East Texas folks, there were just no venues that a.) would be convenient and affordable, b.) would allow booze, and c.) wouldn't be a complete redneck-trashy hole in the wall. Plus the groom's side would be driving from the San Antonio area...which was a whole other drawer of crooked forks...NO. THANK. YOU...it really got out of control when both sides seemed to be planning our wedding without our consent and/or input. For example, this is the conversation I had with my mother: "Okay then, I'll call the church to book the sanctuary and fellowship hall, Jena can do the flowers, we can go look for dresses at CW Boutique, and we can do BBQ for the catering, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...." Oh, and my mother in law, geez..."You guys are going to get married in Fredericksburg right? Have you scheduled any marriage counseling with a priest? I'll look into the fairgrounds and catering at Ye Kendal Inn, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...." AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! After checking

prices on venues in DFW (only because that was the last compromise I could think of at the time), and being pulled in so many directions on both sides of the family with "expectations" if you will, Brian and I finally had enough. We were doing honeymoon research, and found out that if you stay so many nights in a certain category room, Sandals resorts basically throw in a wedding for free. We said screw it, booked it, just our families came (despite the objections) and it was anything and everything we ever could have dreamed of and more. Big guy's parents were more hesitant at first than mine (their reaction was 'Hell yeah! When do we fly out??'), but they were instantly won over once the hostess handed them a glass of champagne upon arrival to the resort. Plus it was 85 degrees every single day we were there, and in the middle of January no less! It was perfect, and you know what? Everyone got over it! *wink*

First comes love, then comes marriage...right?? Oh marriage...oh the wedding...the amount of stress, time, and especially money that goes into weddings these days is just beyond ridiculous. Being the realistic person that I am, my main thought is "THAT much money and effort?? For ONE DAY??!! What in the HELL are these people thinking???!!!!" I always think back to a quote from the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when I hear the actual price tag on weddings: "DAD?! You would rather go broke than insult anyone from the church??!" And what's sad is that has become such a true staple in the wedding planning process...people will literally spend their life savings for this big gargantuan wedding that to be honest, in the end at least two people are going to pissed off and unhappy about SOMETHING. Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior could come down from heaven, plan the perfect wedding, and one atheist guest would be angry because it was a Christian ceremony. #1 rule of thumb to remember in wedding planning: Do what YOU want, because you can't please everyone. According to moneyunder30.com, the average wedding in 2010 costs around $29,000 dollars....holy *&@#$% that is more than my first brand new car?! This apparently includes cost of the dress (don't even get me started on that...these crazy broads dropping 5 and 10K on a dress they wear one time?? That's at least 10 car payments honey, don't do it!!) as well?! WTF??!! Ladies, there are plenty of beautiful, cost-efficient dresses and shops out there, do your research! Total costs for my wedding was around $8K. I didn't stutter, I said t-o-t-a-l price. That included my dress (which I bought at a consignment store...it was a discontinued sample Casablanca, normally around $1,200, I got it for $500 and it STILL had the designer tags on it), plane tickets, our 7-night stay in Antigua, wedding cake, reception, officiant, marriage license, and getting my hair done at the resort. Attention about-to-be newly-weds! Do yourself a favor, do the smart thing! Take the money, put a down payment on a nice house, put the rest towards your honeymoon, and give everyone else the finger. If you're bound to not please everyone, then think of yourselves and not go over your heads in debt over ONE day! After all, in the end its all about you anyway.

And just as an FYI, there is NO rule that says you are supposed to immediately pop out kids after getting married!! It really is okay for you to try and meet your educational and/or career goals before reproducing. And if anything else, just enjoy being married for a while ya know?? Don't let ANYONE pressure you, and if there are other obligations that make you think twice after your baby-clock starts ringing, FULFILL THE OBLIGATIONS FIRST. Kids don't make a marriage any easier or better, but when the time is right and appropriate, only YOU TWO will know and only YOU TWO can make that decision, and only at that time will your life be fulfilled with God's blessing of a little one or two. Simple as that! I constantly get grief from friends and family back home that big guy and I don't have kids yet, and my folks are chomping at the bit for a grandchild. Dad swears that he is never going to be a Grandpa, and last time Mom started giving me a hard time, I told her that if they were so hard-pressed to be grand parents, they should adopt a kid or get a puppy, and get off my back. Grad school first!!! The next week, they came home with spoiled-rotten Rocky. I think they got the message? Back off people, your East Texas is showing!

Out of my years of cohabitation and being the interpersonally in-depth person I am, I can offer some of the following golden rules for a healthy marriage:

• Trust, trust, and more unending trust is absolutely required
• Be yourself, inside and out, all the time
• Respect your spouse and their feelings/desires/opinions
• Be confident in their knowledge, skills and abilities
• Your spouse is not going to share ALL of your interests, and vice versa. It really is okay to do things separately to maintain your identity as a unique individual
• Be fair in both time with each other and apart
• Keep separate checking accounts, but maintain one mutual savings account. Couples fight about money and "where it goes" more than anything else
• Establish budgets and financial responsibility early, such as who will pay which bills.
• Pick your battles, and carefully at that. Some things just are not worth getting into.
• Find a communication style that works for both of you
• It is okay to bicker with your significant other
• You don't always have to agree on things, but at least come to a compromise
• There will be fights, it's how you resolve them that matters
• If in a fight, take a few minutes away from each other to gather yourselves and be reasonable before coming back together for a resolution
• Establish household responsibilities, and don't be afraid to help or pick up the slack
• Don't ever go to bed angry at each other, neither of you will sleep well and it makes for a testy and grumpy morning
• Purchase a king size bed, its one of the best investments for both of you
• Acknowledge and praise your spouse on things well done, promotions, recognitions, ect.
• Compliment them, a little goes a long way
• Always, always say thank you
• Take the time at the end of the day to ask about each other's day
• Always kiss goodnight
• Always say "I love you" before you/they walk out the door
• Pray together
• Never miss an opportunity to laugh and joke with each other
• Talk to each other, like actually talk
• Pay attention to non-verbal behavior
• A random hug or kiss never hurts
• Never forget the reasons why you fell in love in the first place
• Leave your day-to-day problems from work/school at the door, it doesn't matter at the end of the day

Most of these can go hand-in-hand and are bits of common sense for the halfway-intellegent/. Now, some advice for the ladies and the gents:

Ladies-->

• Unless he offers, don't ever ever drag your guy shopping with you. There are million things he would rather be doing than trying not to tell you that that dress makes you look fat and you crying afterwards...you know it does, so why even ask? He had a hard enough time shopping for your ring, give him that.
• Let your guy have his "guy-time", it's only fair. He is allowed to sit on the couch in his underwear, drink beer and watch baseball from time to time. It would be the pot calling the kettle black if you said otherwise, you know you sit on the couch, in your pj's, with a glass of wine and watch chick-flicks when he's not around...don't deny it *wink*
• If you try to keep your guy on a super-short leash, he will eventually put up a fight. If you claim that you 110% trust him, then it really is okay to let him venture out with his friends. And to all the stuck-up prudes out there, going to the strip club with the guys every once in a while really is okay. He sees your boobs every day, and if he knows what's good for him (in more ways than one) he will gladly and willingly still appreciate yours at the end of the night. It is no different than you having a girls night out at LeBare, get over yourselves!
• Do not, I repeat DO NOT burn up his phone with calls/texts/voice-mails unless it is an emergency. He has a job and a social life too, leave him be.
• Let him have his vices. He is not going to give up sports, ESPN, fantasy baseball, the Xbox or PS3, beer, or being perverted. Am I going to give up my True Blood books, cosmos or chick-flicks? Hell no! Why should you ask the same of him?
• Do not ever try to hold a conversation with him when he is watching any game of any sort. He will not listen, nor will he care while the game is on the line. Wait till a commercial, or after it is over. Sidebar: you can definitely have his undivided attention if you bring him a beer and tell him whatever you have to say at the same time.
• Let him have a man-cave. He'll be much happier with a retreat space that is all his own with all his stuff.
• He is a guy. He is going to belch, fart, grope you when no one is looking, be gross in general, not pick his clothes up, not willingly wear pastels, refuse to throw away his old-holey t shirts/boxers, talk a bunch of crap that he doesn't mean, leave his beer cans on the coffee table, and generally do "guy-things" that make you want to vomit. This is where picking your battles come in...fuss at him for leaving the beer cans out and not picking up his dirty underwear (he does eventually learn, I promise), and/or won't throw away the ratty t shirts and boxers, but if he lets one rip when it's just you two at home, let it slide. You can make him a little less disgusting, and they will want to clean up to please you, but don't push your limits.
• Men are a lot smarter and more sensitive than given credit for. They do listen, they do pay attention, they are indeed insecure, and they too need constant reassurance. But once they're reassured, they're good, so don't be clingy.
• He is a creature of habit, get used to it.
• He will occasionally glance at other women, he has a penis, it is engrained in his DNA, he cannot help it. If a woman with a big set of double-D's and a 28-inch waist walked past you in a low-cut tank-top, you would look too.
• Don't you dare subject that poor man to floral or pastel anything, especially in your bedroom. He is a man, he does not want to sleep on/under a sea of pastel roses and ribbon. There are plenty of colors and designs than can cross both the masculine/feminine lines of decor.
• They will not change, come hell or high water. Make sure you know exactly what you're getting into before diving in head first. Best scare tactic/reality check? Take a tour of a fraternity house on a random Friday or Sunday afternoon, you'll gain some perspective.

Gents-->

• Girls will talk about you to their girlfriends. Don't expect anything to be kept a secret.
• The sister and or BFF will come to town, so expect to be ignored during that time. Its not personal.
• We can be just as perverted as guys.
• Shower often, put your dirty clothes in the hamper, clean up/throw away your mess, and put the seat down. It is all greatly appreciated and we will thank you for it.
• Do yourself a favor and ditch the holey shirts/boxers. When *ahem* covered parts begin to show, it's time to retire.
• Sometimes women just want to b*tch about their problems. We aren't expecting you to fix it or give us advice, we just want to let it out.
• Some girls like beer too, don't sell us short. 
• Our daddies are our heroes. They will hunt you down. 
• It's totally fine for you to have friends that are girls, just establish rules and trust on both sides
• We do not dig the old college bedspread, the beer signs, or your life-size poster of Jenna Jameson being in plain sight when the parentals come to visit, or anytime for that matter. Compromise on a man-cave, or toss it.
• Sometimes we really do have headaches and just aren't in the mood. We're not being stingy with the goods, you're still the macho sex-machine, promise.
• Let us have our True Blood books/dvd's and Harry Potter movie-thons. It's only fair. 
• We appreciate honesty, and we will listen.
• Flowers are always welcomed, no reason needed. 
• It is okay for us to not like your friends/parents/siblings, ect. Out of respect, we will be cordial and spend time with them if need-be or if the occasion calls for it. On the same notion, please do the same for us.

The book titled "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" cannot be any more accurate. Both sexes are complex individuals that requires an ample amount of work, communication, trust, and of course love to make a relationship between two people work from day-to-day. I never have and never will claim to be an expert on relationships and marriage, but after going through some of the bullsh*t I've gone through and being the realistic and practical person I am, I will say that I am smarter than the average female bear and have learned many lessons over the years. The main thing I can say when you know you've found the right person, you just know, but you can't live on love alone. Pennies for your thoughts :)